Reviving Her

Chapter 35 : Guilt

She gets quiet sometimes
and I can feel that a certain weight
has got her by the heart. And it is
in those times that I want her to speak the most.
But I know she can't.
Because sometimes things get grisly inside.
They get messy and she has to cleanse all that.
And the last thing she wants is to dirty me with it.
I know all that, in my mind.
I know it but it doesn't make it any easier to watch.
-JmStorm
_______________________________________________________________________
Maaz :

My eyes are barely on the road, they keep straying to Zara. She sits rigidly in her seat, her hands tightly wound. She stares straight ahead with glistened eyes. She is as still as a statue.

I drive in silence as I know there wouldn't be right words to compensate. Lisa's adoption was a shock to me and I came to know her only recently. Zara must be experiencing it thousand times worse.

She leaves the car as soon as we stop.

'I am going to take a nap.' She tells me. I take a step towards her.

'Don't.' She holds up a hand, her voice is pleading.

I watch her retreat to the room.

I sit on the couch in a pensive mood. How happy she was this morning and in a few hours how drastic things have become. I admire her resilience, her silent strength as she plows on with everything thrown at her. Numair, her baby, Anna, and now Lisa, people she loved and lost.

A knock on the door rouses me. Ira peeks in from the door separating our houses.

'Can I come in?'

'Sure, why are you asking?' I smile at her.

'I wanted to check how far you guys are done. There's one week left.' She settles down near me.

'We are finished. Everyone has been given their invites.' I tell her with a sigh.

'Is there a problem?' She asks, her eyebrows knitting together.

'No, everything is fine.' I lie.

'You know I'm just a knock away?' She tells me, turning to face me. I look into my sister's worried eyes, urging me to tell her, so I tell her about Lisa, Smile, Zara and how I got involved in it.

Once I am finished, I lay my head on her shoulder, she slumps down to give me more space.

'There's just so much. Sometimes when I think about it I don't know where to start or where to go.' I tell her.

'I know that you will figure it out.' She assures me, patting my cheek. I lay with my eyes closed, comforted by her presence.

I do not tell her that there is more and that she is wrong. I am clueless with very little progress. The weight and guilt of keeping things to myself sag me. And every day I want to share this with the one person who deserves to know, Zara. But each day I find excuses to not confide in her. Years later she's back in my life, she has slowly begun to let me in then how do I tell her things which would only drive her away?

'Is being selfish okay if it's out of love?' I ask my sister.

'You've grown up so fast.' She tells me with a sigh. 'Making decisions as grown-ups aren't black or white. Being selfish to protect someone you love isn't right. It is always better to be honest.'