It All Started With a Diary

retaliation|part 4

You won't like what you see...you won't like me. If you see the truth, if you see what's really going on inside of my head, you would catch the first plane away from me.

I want you to understand, but then I don't. I want to make you happy, but then I want to make you feel the same shit you've doomed me to for the rest of my life. It's your fault.

I've spent the past seven years picturing the things I'd say, the things I'd do to you. That entire time, I never thought I'd actually see you, again. There you were, though. You came here, and you made it so easy to start my plan.

Except when you didn't. Except when I started to dream of you. Except when your smiles and your laughs were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. Except when I started wanting to be around you. Except when I realized why you're one of the most selfless people in this world.

By the looks you give me, I know that I can hurt you. I was supposed to hurt you. I'm supposed to hurt you.

I can't hurt you.

I'm not a monster.'

I flipped the next page.

'I'm not a monster,' it read.

I continued to flip the pages, but those four words were the only thing on the remaining spaces. Just as I flipped the last page, I found another entry.

'I'm the monster who has fallen for the most purest angel. I'm sorry. I'll let you go. I won't tell you the truth for your own sanity. I can't hurt you. I won't.'

I slammed the diary shut, my lungs vacant of air. I clutched my chest as the entries continued to taunt me.

The words he had written were too misleading. I couldn't pinpoint what he wanted me to learn from this. I needed a visible answer, even if it were one thing, I needed something.

"Lights out," my dad said through the crack of the door.

I turned my head to the door. "Hey, dad," I called out behind him.

He looked over his shoulder, tired eyes straining against his glasses. "Yes?" It didn't take rocket science to see that he was upset with me.

"I'm sorry...for today. I really am," I apologized to him.

I knew that I had embarrassed him. Even though Teresa deserved it, I practically disrespected him too. After the rage had stopped, the regret soon replaced it.

"Just get some sleep, Kimberly," he mumbled, before shutting the door behind him.

I sighed, head in my hands. The strain my ongoing thoughts caused would only cause a headache if I continued to stay awake.

I placed the journal underneath my bed, before pulling the blankets over my body. I shut my eyes tightly, preparing for rest. Before I was pulled into slumber, the reminder of my pain carried on through the tear that slipped down my cheek.

***

I buttoned my jeans as I heard the vibration of my phone. I reached for it, entering my password before reading the text.

Maggie: Won't be there today...caught something.

Me: Hope you feel better.

Maggie: Don't worry, I always whoop ass.

I chuckled at the text, before throwing a hoodie on. I entered the kitchen, to see my dad, Ryland, and Teresa.

"Phone?" my dad said to me, a hand out.