Living the Non-Binary Life

24.) Coexistence

My survivor and I, we're starting to figure each other out for the first time.

When I was younger, my survivor was only you're so stupid, why did you react, you could've just done this or that and then you wouldn't be crying, you wouldn't be so weak, but you never listen because you're stupid.

I didn't listen because I thought my real personality could handle things. I thought reacting was the best way to get through to my "family".

That doesn't work when your emotions are used as a weakness, and emotions tend to be really freaking strong when it comes to you.

Enter the survivor 🙂🙂.

Eventually it was more like okay don't make a face, keep your voice calm, don't get emotional, let them know how immature they are compared to you because look at them freaking out while you're so calm.

But it was also no don't talk to them friends means emotions and we don't want that. Emotions are very bad. Crying is bad, laughing is bad. Don't do anything that implies emotion.

And then an argument happens between myself and... myself.

I want friends and emotions and a life. Emotions aren't always a weakness. But when this strong, more rational side of you tells you to do something, you regret it if you don't. You know they're right, but you don't want to accept that.

We're learning how to compromise. When something starts to overwhelm me, mostly empathy or memories, I let them take over now. I used to fight it, and fighting it would make my chest tighten, it would make my had spin and my breathing ragged.

Now that I have the freedom to actually think about my reactions and not react in a panicked state, there's more room for argument, but also more room for compromise.

When a situation starts to make me panic, I can take a deep breath and let the survivor take control of the situation. Doing that always gives me the same anxiety, but on a way smaller scale. It's a more cautious anxiety instead of a fearful, battle ready anxiety. It's like I'm always waiting in the back to show emotion if I need to.

When I need to help a friend, the survivor agrees to stop whispering long enough to let me do what I need to do. Hug, comfort, talk, give advise, actually be a friend.

We're taking baby steps with each other, but we're finally learning how to compromise. Breakthroughs have been happening with us and I hope they don't stop.

~~~~

Be true, stay you ❤❤

~Day Dreamer~