Naruto Fanfic Reviews

Unjust Life

 Hello! I just want to let you guys know that I'm the other admin XD

The admin that usually does these reviews is taking a well-deserved break from the NWAs due to personal reasons. I'll try to do the reviews as similarly to how she did it as possible to keep the consistency between reviews ^^ Starting with the note she usually leaves at the start:

Before I begin the review, I want everyone to know I'm not a bully and that anything I criticize is not to offend or hurt the author. We are only trying to help. I hope you enjoy and learn from this review and please remember you asked us to do this.

I would also like to add that this is my personal opinion and is simply how I would improve the story if it were to be mine. If you would like to check my credentials (warning, shameless promo ahead) you can check out my account, Chasing_Happy (; 

On to the review:

Unjust Life by Confession_Heart

Reviewed by Chasing_Happy

First Impressions:

Your cover seems alright, although it's a bit bland. It doesn't tell us much about your story and a little more effort could be put into it (adding the title, putting your pen name or username on it, etc) other than simply uploading an image of perhaps what you imagine your character to look like. 

I actually like the title ^^ It seems interesting and descriptive. 

Your description could have more work put into it. Rather than simply listing facts about your storyline perhaps introduce the character and story to readers in a more appealing way. For example, you can take an interesting excerpt (diaogue or event) from your story and begin the description with that, or you can try to describe the events leading up to where the story begins (a mini backstory if you will). What some authors do is include a short but enticing quote from their story or even a short poem or something in relation to the story, later including an extended version of the story before the first chapter. A well thought out description will make it more likely for readers to decide to read your book. 

Plot and Structure:

I actually enjoyed the structure of the start of the second chapter. It was interesting and unique with the characters introducing themselves in bold and the repetition of the line "I'm a/We're proud member(s) of the Yuno clan". However, the grammar could be greatly improved with more editing to catch simple grammar mistakes. While the bolded parts were an interesting addition to the story, the paragraphs were rather hard to follow due to missing commas, spelling mistakes, and various other grammatical errors.  

I felt that the second chapter was rather rushed and a bit confusing. Rather than introduce all these characters and then kill them off suddenly, I would put either part in a prologue. I would also take more time with the trauma that the main character goes through by adding more details and go deeper into how she feels at the time (go into every second of what happens). You don't necessarily have to talk about what the parents do exactly, just what the character sees and feels ("the blood felt warm as it soaked through her clothes", "she watched the life leave her siblings' eyes", "her father's lips curled upwards in a sick and twisted grin", etc). This will make the story more interesting and less rushed.

I quickly read over a couple more chapters and they seem to follow a similar pattern to the one I mentioned above. They're alright and have an interesting concept included in them with the bolding and italics on certain dialogue and sentences. However, as I said before, editing more and taking more time with scenes will make your story easier to understand and cause the plot to seem less rushed. 

Final Verdict:

I can see the appeal of your story and it seems like you're on the right path! Just keep working at it and trust me, you'll get better and better (: Again, edit edit edit. Revision is very important. I like the concept and layout you're going for and it has the potential to be very elegant and an amazing addition to the story if used correctly. Good luck!! 

I hope this wasn't too harsh and that it helped! 

-Anna