Living With Myself

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality Disorder.

Living somewhere close to the edge of insanity, almost crazy but not quite there. 

I would rather be crazy, rather be unaware. I would rather lose my moral compass and understanding of the world. 

Marsha Linehan, an expert on Borderline Personality Disorder, describes it as “the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.”

Everything i feel is amplified, my emotions are so much more intense than most people's. 

All it takes is one wrong look from somebody and I'm incapacitated. My heart thuds faster, my stomach twists up and bile rises, my throat contracts and burns, the back of my head thuds and my eyes start to burn. I fight to breathe as the tears start to overflow and the pressure builds in my heart, like a gas lamp about to explode. Waves of emotional pain physically rush through my body and build inside me pushing at my skin looking for escape, I look down expecting to see my skin tearing but nothing is there. The pain is invisible. 

The pain builds into something i can handle easier, something i recognise. Anger. It seeps out of it's bottemless pit and fills me up with it's searing heat. I know that if i don't let it out it will kill me, holding onto it will do me no good. So i let go. Everything becomes confusing, the world moves faster and all i can see are disjointed pictures of the scene in front of me. 

The pain and torment i felt inside i now inflict upon the man i loved an hour ago. Now all i feel for him is a deep hatred. He is selfish scum, a horrible and incompetent bastard who deserves the most painful death imaginable. How dare he hurt me the way he has, how dare he make me feel worthless? He is nothing, a little boy whom i was only with out of pity.

Tears run down his face as I tear him down with my scathing words, my voice dripping with venom. Eventually i can stand the site of him no more and order him to leave. Moving slowly and painfully he does just that, closing the door behing him. I take a deep breath as panic sets in, how dare he leave me? He can't just walk away, why doesn't he fight for me. I race after him and call him back, unleashing more fury on him as tears pour down my face.

Eventually I climb to my room and collapse on my bed as he follows. He asks me why i do this and i have no answer. I do not know why. Tears flow freely down my face as i sob uncontrollably, hugging my arms. I feel his hand on my arm as he tentativley offers me comfort and i turn and bury my face in his neck as he wraps his arms around me.

I cry into him as he whispers comforting words to me. I start to calm and hold him tight, how can he be so perfect? He is so good to me, so supportive. How can anybody as beautiful and smart as him love me? I breath in his cinnamon scent and lay a gentle kiss on his neck. I love him so much that my heart feels as though it should burst, i feel weak with the pure raw emotion of it. I know i am so lucky to have somebody as wonderful as him in my life.