Living With Myself

Rebuilding

Sometimes you have to fall apart just so can see where the pieces land.

Eight monhs of not self harming and last night I broke the streak. I'm not really sure how or why it happened but I'm actually glad it did. I found out a lot of things I maybe hadn't realsied before. That I'm not and I never will be a child again, I can't rewrite my past and I can't relive it.

More people care about me than I had dared hope. In my moment of weakness my friends rallied around me. Everything that they could think of to help, they did. Whether it was trying to make me laugh, proving how many people liked me, offering sympathy and understanding or just showing a little flesh to appease the lecherous creep in me. A suprisingly large number of them came together for me.

I feel terrible for assuming they didn't love me. I owe them for that, I should have had more faith in them but I should have had a lot more faith in myself. The truth is I believe everybody is special and beautiful. Everyone has a talent or quirk. I guess I forgot that includes me as well.

So when I woke up this morning I was thankful for the pain in my arm, I may not have eight months clean anymore but it is just a number. I gained some valuable knowledge about my life and what it contains. It made me realise that all I ever wanted was to know the support was there, that somebody would catch me if I fell but I just needed to know it and not use it. I'm stronger than I thought, I finally feel like that girl I was has turned up again. She's stronger and wiser, she's more forgiving and she's a lot better looking but she's me. She always was, I just lost her for a while.

Everything for a reason right? Sometimes the reason isn't always clear but in this case it was. If something breaks you can rebuild it stronger and better than it ever was.