Moonlight | Kim Taehyung

5: Luna

Even though telling him this hurts and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry my heart out. My heart is aching and my lips are trembling as I try to hold back my tears. But, I must continue. Talking to him will be good for me. I have to let it out. Let the pain out.

"I want to continue," I shake my head and wipe my tears with the back of my hand. "Nights like that happened quite often. But on top of that, my parents were strict with my sisters and I. Well, mostly just Mina and I, since Rae-na is still young. And she's the most spoilt in the family. Mina had always gained good grades and she graduated from Yale University. Now, she's working as a lawyer. Whilst, I can't even gain a single A, nor will I ever be able to apply to such a great university like my sister. Because of that, my parents have always pressured me to do better and be more like my sister. They want me to be a lawyer like her, but that's not what I want. I want to be a singer. But, my parents say that signing is just a hobby and not a proper job."

I take a breath and Taehyung is looking at me peacefully, not wanting to interrupt, "Once, I failed and got the lowest grade in my class. I never told my parents about it, but they soon found out and they scolded me. That's not the worst part though, the worst part was when they compared me to Mina. They called me a disappointment and they said I was dumb and stupid. They destroyed my guitar, tore apart my music sheets and deleted all my music covers that I had recorded on my laptop. They stopped me from singing. In the middle of the torn music sheets, I cried for the entire night as I held onto my broken guitar. I screamed and locked myself in my room. Though Mina wanted to comfort me, I didn't let her. I hated her. I hated her for being so perfect. For being the perfect daughter my parents wanted and loved."

By now, tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably and Taehyung had an arm wrapped around me. My head resting on his shoulder. His warmth putting me at ease.

"I was the disappointment of a daughter. The unwanted one. The mistake. Then, a few weeks after I turned 13, I was diagnosed with depression. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I practically gave up on music. I didn't dare touch my guitar or sing. But, then I met a music teacher at my school, her name is Lee Yoora. She gave me hope. She would let me stay at the school's music room after school to play music and sing. She would also be there to teach me and give me advice. I would lie to my parents, and tell them I was studying, even though I really wasn't. The music room was my safe haven and the teacher was my most trusted person. My depression got better slowly and the feeling of being a disappointment faded away as well. I became excited to go to school. Eager to go to the music room."

"But, we all know that happiness isn't forever. After two years of hiding this from my parents, they somehow found out I was staying after school to play music. I remember the anger on their faces. The way my dad yelled at me, the way he dragged me out of school and scolded the music teacher. After that, I was transferred to another school. A stricter school, The teachers there weren't as carefree as the ones in my other school. The students weren't as friendly or kind. Everyone was serious and only focused on grades. A place that definitely didn't suit me. I hated every bit of that school. I was always gloomy and I didn't make any friends. That's when my depression came back, along with anxiety. I didn't get to sing anymore. My parents didn't care about my feelings. They didn't even care about each other. They still fought frequently and my dad would always get drunk. We're a strange family. Although, Mina tried to talk to them and told them to let me do what I want. But that only lead to her being lectured by dad. By the time I turned 16, things worsened. People at school bullied me. They teased me and laughed at my failure. My parents pressured me, they forced me to study. They forced me to study every day. They took away my free time. I wasn't allowed to see my friends at my old school. I was forced to follow my sister's footsteps. Forced to be her shadow. I hated it so much. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to rid the pain. I wanted to stop hurting. My whole being ached. I was never happy, never comfortable at school or at home."

I'm breathing heavily. I don't know if I'm ready to tell Taehyung what happened next. I don't even know if he's ready to hear what I have to tell him.

I sit up straighter and take a deep breath as he pats my back, "I couldn't take the pain anymore. I would often think about suicide. Yet, I was scared of death. Scared that I would regret taking my life. So, the first time I attempted suicide, I used a paper cutter to cut my wrists. The blade digging into my skin as I slid it across my wrists. But the cuts weren't deep enough to kill me. There was so much blood though, it stained my clothes as it dripped. I let it drip. I resisted the pain, resisted the urge to bandage it. I just let it flow and trickle down my arm. I watched the blood clot up and become dry. I continued doing this for a few times, creating more and more wounds on my arms. However, Mina walked in on me cutting myself once. She was shocked and instantly pried the cutter out of my hand. She stared at my arms in shock, but I didn't do anything to hide them. She kept on asking me why I was doing this to myself. I didn't want to explain to her, I just wanted to push her away. Wanted her to leave me alone. Wanted her to let me die. But, she wouldn't leave me alone. Instead, she took me to see a doctor, a psychiatrist. I went to therapy sessions and took antidepressants. Mina forced my parents to go to therapy as well and things between them got better. The arguing lessened and they let me be. They didn't pressure me into studying and I was transferred back to my old school. They let me sing again. I began to love my sister. I was thankful for her. So very thankful. No words can express the gratitude I have for her. But, even so, depression won't ever just go away like that. It stays with you and will resurface. I'm not fully recovered yet. I still cut myself, but not as often."

I can't believe I spilt my guts out to Taehyung like this. When I barely even know him, when he's just a stranger. When I just met him an hour or two ago. Yet, I did it anyway. And I feel so much better. I'm glad I let out the pain. I'm glad I told him. He's quiet as he looks at me. He doesn't say anything and I don't need him to. I know this is a lot for him to take in all at once, so I let him process everything.

I smile and face the lake, watching the gentle ripples on its surface. Admiring the moonlight's reflection on it. The moonlight is illuminating the lake, making it seem somewhat magical as it shimmers.