The Renegade

Chapter 3

When Luk turns to face me, the anger has drained from his expression and he looks ten years older. Bags swell under his eyes, his forehead is lined, his cheeks are sunken. All the death and loss have aged him, and I wonder if I look that much different from when we first met.

Luk leans against the wall facing me and hangs his head. "I...I know you didn't really have a choice, Ren," he says. "I know that, but I can't help but imagine--I wish you'd saved her. I don't care what happened to the rest of us. I just wish you'd saved her."

But I know that if I'd saved Ila, Mizpah wouldn't have released her, and she certainly wouldn't have let me go, no matter what information about the Underlings I told her. I'm not sure any of our choices really could have stopped what happened. But at the same time, I made the choice. I could have tried to save her, but I didn't.

I want to tell him that at least she's still alive, at least there's hope, at least we made it, but those seem so empty and trite compared with the depths of his loss. And even though I wouldn't change my decision, I blame myself as much as Luk blames me. Maybe I could have done something. Maybe I could have stopped this.

"I had to protect the Underlings, Luk. If I hadn't, the Civilization would have caught you and the rest of them and you never could have rebelled. I had to choose between Ila and thousands of people."

Luk raises his eyes to me; this isn't the answer he wanted. He wanted me to say I was sorry, that I made the wrong choice, that I'd take it back, but I can't. As awful as all of this is, Luk needs to face the reality that most of us--at least Hayl, Elz, and I--had to choose between two evils and we have to live with our choices.

"But you could have saved her," he says, his voice low and empty.

I want to go to him and hold him and tell him I'm here, but I'm not sure my presence gives him comfort anymore, and besides, I'm crippled. I heave a sigh and lower my head.

"I didn't want to watch that happen to her, Luk, but how could I betray Jaim and Peet? How could I pretend that Betta's sacrifice didn't matter? If I'd told them when the Underlings were going to rebel--"
"What if you had? Would they have been able to stop us from rebelling? No. You keeping their secret meant nothing!" Luk yells, and my stomach rolls. What if he's right? What if my choice was not as black and white as I'd thought it was? What if I sacrificed Ila for nothing? "The Civilization couldn't stop the Underlings before, so what difference would it have made if you'd told them when we were going to rebel? Did you...did you even hesitate when you made the decision?"

I hang my head, my breaths coming short and sharp. "Luk, I--I had to choose, and I couldn't risk the Civilization destroying the Underlings because of me."

Luk puts what he cares about--Ila--above everything else, but I can't do that. Just like the Analyst the Civilization trained me to be, I look at everything through the lens of ration. One girl versus an entire society of people. I barely even considered saving Ila, but I know Luk would have sacrificed almost anything for her.

I sigh and rest my head in my hands. "For what it counts, I'm sorry, Luk. I know what she means to you, and I...I wish it wasn't like this. I know you won't be able to forgive me--I'm not even sure you should if you could--but I'm sorry."

I keep my head ducked, and my words sound meaningless even in my own ears. An empty apology from an empty woman. Whatever was between Luk and me in the Civilization has surely been extinguished by everything that's happened since then. I can feel Luk's eyes on me, and he takes a step forward as if to bridge the gap between us.

"I know," he murmurs, voice husky, but he doesn't move closer.

Even if he could forgive me, even if he wanted reconciliation, how could I accept it? I'm responsible for so many deaths. I don't deserve even the affection of Elz and Orrick, much less Luk's continued devotion. He carried me to this outpost when he should have left me behind. He defended me even when Mizpah revealed the ugly truth about me. He's been too loyal and done too much for me, and this has to be the end for both of us. He might have a future in Domus while I have nothing.