and then you left // cth

chapter 39: sick in the head

Ashton is standing there, facing away from me. He's looking up at the moon. At first glance, I realize he probably left the house in a rush, as he's wearing baggy grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt, along with slides. Somehow he still looks put together though, which irritates me instantly. Calum has expressed jealousy towards Ashton in the past. He envies his maturity. At times, Calum acts similarly to a middle school boy, but at times it is like he raised me.

Ashton turns around when he hears the door open, and he just looks at me with an unrecognizable expression. It is one I have never seen before. I open my mouth to ask what he is doing here, but he interrupts me.

"Let's go for a walk," he says gently, but with purpose. And because there is kindness in his voice and a chill in the air that I have missed so much, I find myself closing the door behind me and following him out into the sidewalk.

We walk into the darkness in silence.

There is a chill in the air, one that I haven't felt since I was back home. The moon is out, and its round shape in the sky lights up the street, despite being so far away. And for just a moment when I look up, I think I can see the stars through the smog.

I stare at Luke's house as we walk by, but all of the windows are dark. He hasn't talked to me since I kicked him out of my house after I got back from Calum's. He thinks he knows me so well, he thinks he knows everything about me. But he doesn't. I ignore the fact that he wants the best for me, because he does not know what that could possibly me. He couldn't know, not if he doesn't know me.

Ashton doesn't speak until we are nearly three blocks away. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

"Calum is sick, Alexis," he finally says, and I suck in a breath of cool night air.

"What do you mean?" I ask as my heart stops beating.

"He went after Luke today." He says, and confusion sweeps over me.

"What do you mean?" I repeat, but with more urgency than the last time.

"He held him in a fucking choke hold."

The night is too cold, and I stop walking, holding my arms in front of my chest to keep warm. Ashton continues down the sidewalk before he realized I've stopped, and he turns around and comes back to me. And then we are standing in the middle of the sidewalk, a concerned friend and a sad girl.

"What?" Nothing he is saying is making any sense.

"Maybe you should sit down," he says gently, and gestures towards the lawn behind us. But I don't move a muscle. He stares at me for a moment too long, and I can just barely see his green irises in the dark. He sighs.

"I think Calum is sick, Alexis." He repeats, and anger builds inside of me for a reason I can't identify. "He's sick in the head,"

"What the fuck does that mean?" I explode suddenly and without control. Despite my ignorance, I know exactly what his words mean. I understand, and he isn't wrong, unfortunately. My voice softens. "Is he okay?"

Ashton doesn't respond, and suddenly we are both sitting on the sidewalk, legs bent at the curb. Maybe a car would hit us. That would be nice, an easy release, a getaway. It would make the news for sure: Two reckless teens killed in a drive by.