Stay • Everlark (REVAMPING)

18. one life

"Okay, we may have got carried away. But you were enjoying it as much as me." Peeta exclaims, taking a breath. "It was raining, and you kissed me or I kissed you. We were arguing over when you got the medicine."

It only hits me how much I don't want to tell this story, because it's one that I know will only bring me nightmares later on. But if it's anything like every other night, there would be no difference.

"That's what happened. You said that I shouldn't die for you. That you're not worth it. I realised how much I didn't want you to die, not for the cameras. Just because I didn't want to lose you. Then we, you know."

He doesn't say anything for a minute. Just presses his lips together and focuses on the sun. "What was I like?. I think about that a lot. What I was like before the Capitol?"

That almost pulls me to tears. Because Peeta was the same, but still so different. I can't explain it.

"You were sort of the same. You were kind, like you are now. Way more likeable then I could be. You always spoke for me when I was anxious. I was sort of reliant on you until the second games. You always held me when I had nightmares." I continue.

"It took for you to be taken away for me to realise how much I value you. I think I prefer you like this. Not because you're any different, because I would still be dependant on you. It's like I'd be using you. Which is kind of what I was doing, leading you on." I tell him. "The kiss was nice too, made me feel warm."

This time he turns around and curiosity fills his eyes. "What about that time when Haymitch sent us that stew? I always remember that stew."

"You were telling me about how you had a crush on me. That you saw me in my red dress and you were a goner. Your words, not mine. You talked about my singing, apparently all the birds stopped to listen. You used to look at me like you didn't really understand me but liked me anyway. You asked me if you had competition. I said you didn't have any anywhere. After that is mostly just napping."

Peeta doesn't show any reaction, just stares at me. So much for mentioning anything that could trigger something! I completely forgot about what the Doctor said, but it's too late for that. Nothing happens, though. To the point that I start to get worried.

"Peeta," I whisper. "Are you okay? I can stop talking if you want."

He blinks harshly and rubs his eyes. "Sorry, I'm fine. I was just in my head. Things were so different. I can't understand it." He replies.

"I guess they were. But we're alive, aren't we?" I say.

"Not necessarily. We weren't living until we let go, there's a difference between being alive and actually living. Our lives weren't ours. They still aren't in a way, but we only have one life. We can't start over, life would be so much easier if we could. But I'd rather do what's right than what's easy."

Every time Peeta speaks, the words seem to form together so perfectly and I can never seem to understand why I'm so captivated by them. Even when he's not even trying.

"You understood it all." I say. "You
didn't want to be a piece in their game. I saw it as life or death, you saw it as there's more to winning than whatever they said. You never win." I say.

"Well, yeah. I got stabbed, I accepted I was going to die, but at least I was myself. I could die knowing I did some good to someone I loved, that I saved you. When I was in the Capitol, they changed me. I- they told me you were dead. They said you died when the tree exploded. That's why I stopped fighting."

Peeta's voice breaks in between sentences. The fact that Snow manipulated us both makes my blood boil. He got the easy way out.

"I wish he wasn't dead, so he could suffer for what he's done. All the lives that he's ruined. It just makes my blood boil." I say with gritted teeth.

"Hey, getting angry about it doesn't make us feel better. I know, I was angry too. Now I'm just so tired of being angry at everything. I'm just so tired, Katniss." He replies, stumbling over to the floor and intertwining his fingers with mine.

He's right, as always. My fire can't seem to control itself. It can only be calmed by the dandelion that is Peeta. The one who tells me that we'll always be able to heal. The one that made me understand that there is no point in being angry at the world because there are good people in it too. He is one of them.

"You always know what to say. Even when you weren't entirely here, you always knew. It's sort of frustrating how well you know me and how you have this effect on me that nobody else has." I mumble.

"Because even after all this time, you're the most intriguing person I've ever met. You're protective but kind, you're impulsive but mean well , you're closed off but easy to talk to, you're argumentative but we've never properly fought and you put up with all my baggage. You have so many layers, like an onion." Peeta jokes.

"So you think I'm an onion? And to think I was going say yes to you using me as your next painting muse ." I say playfully.

"You're cruel, you're always my muse." Peeta says. "I've been asking you for months, though. How about I ask for a hug instead? "

I laugh at the suggestion. "I'll allow it." I say, leaning onto his chest and feeling his heart.

He brings his arms around to hold me and I realise that this is what I've been waiting for. Safety.