Rant Book

Life.

I know they people go through worse than this and I hope that this doesn’t offend anyone. I’m just stressed so I’m writing down my feelings.

I can feel that something is going to happen. I have to feeling stronger now. I feel like Kayla is going to explode at mum and dad and that mum and dad will explode at Kayla. All dads’ life has been walking on eggshells around mum. My sister has started smoking again. My sister she went to sleep at this guy’s house she talks to every day for years. But the problem she has a fiancé…  She loves him but isn’t in love with him. Ty on the other hand (The guy she talks to all the time) she loves him but she doesn’t want to leave her fiancé yet she wants to make sure has settled first then do it. But with all the stress on TAFE, My parents and her fiancé is probably why she went back to smoking. See she’s not my full sister she’s my half-sister but I love her the same, all my siblings are half. My brother and my other sister are from one guy I’ve never met and Kayla is from someone else. I’m the only one from dad now. Now that I think of it, Kayla has had three dads… hmm. Kayla ran away from home at the age 12 because she had a 21 year old man telling her “it’s okay, your allowed to” and that he spoke to her parents but of course he didn’t, she was 12 she didn’t know any better. She’s 23 now (were 8 years apart) she didn’t come back until she was 16. By then she was raped, abused and but into foster care. She suffered terrible things that I would never imagine. When she came back she wasn’t even allowed to come into the house, she was about 18 we went up to Mildura to visit her for her birthday. I think that was about when she was fully allowed back into the family.  My parents are still angry at her for that. She’s living with us now because she’s moved down here, she lives in my room. My parents are angry at her for not getting a job but she can’t she wants to wait until she finishes TAFE. Now my brother, His name is Jack… when I was in grade 5, my sister molly woke me up and said jack was packing his bags. (4 years gap, he just turned 19) He left and told everyone he was kicked out but that was a lie of course. On that day I even woke my mum up and told her… she went back to sleep. He left a note saying he was going to live with Kayla. When we cleaned out his room we found smashed glass and blood… we found CDs and DVDs empty. Later we found out he had threw them out a car window. That’s hundreds of dollars wasted. He came around our house and knocked on my sister window, egged my nannas and dads car, he even stayed at my pops daughters house (She called the cops on us and got a restraining order on my mum, dad and Kayla) who broke into my pops house and forced him to live with us. About a year after he left my mum told us she had been talking to him. My sister Moly got so angry and so did Kayla. Kayla hardly did anything like jack did. All my memories of jack included him with his wrestling game and him and dad fighting. He was caught smoking in the bathroom once and caught lots stealing money. Now my sister Molly. Okay wow. Um. I don’t know how this started but when I was in primary school she said she wanted to run away like Kayla and jack, she nearly did (2 year gap) she’s 17 now. But back then we only had one computer in the house so we had to take turns, we had to keep the internet low and turn it off. One day I wanted my turn on it and she kept saying yeah in a minute it got that bad my dad had to forcefully remove her from her seat so I could have my turn, so after that I remember a lot of yelling behind closed doors with and without my sister. It was like jack all over again. Then she started cutting. I remember when she got her first real boyfriend, he was nice. One day my parents went away for their anniversary and I was left alone with my pop. Molly was meant to be home by ten. Around 10:30 I called her telling her she was meant to be home ages ago; she started yelling at me, so I yelled back. Before my parents left they told her that she had to be home by that time and that they trusted us. She didn’t come home until late. By then I had called Kayla and we added mum into the phone call because I was worried and we didn’t want to ruin mums night but we didn’t know what else to do so we called her and she said that molly had been inboxing her all through her dinner. In the morning I was woken up early by molly boyfriend’s mum. As soon as I opened the door she ran to molly’s room and banged on the door. Molly walked out and dragged her arm across the door; I saw a long red line and like a zig zag down her arm of blood. I found out after I got off the phone to her she ran in front of a car, luckily her boyfriend pushed her out of the way. After that it just got worse and then she left school. Nothing was going good. Now she’s getting a bit better. She has a good boyfriend and a job. My mum…. See don’t get me wrong I love my mum with all my heart but she just wants everything to be her away, that she never does anything wrong. Like I can hardly do any house work because ‘I don’t do it properly’ and when she does it she complains no one does anything! And if I talk to her about anything it’s like she’s not listening at all. What I think is that she only wants me to do good in school so she can brag about how good her daughter is because I’m the ‘good one’ she only compliments me in front of people. I could write for ages about my mum but there’s only so much I can say so I’m only going to write a little more. Twice my mum has just randomly got up and left and doesn’t come back for hours. The last time was because of my dad, I don’t remember why. When she was gone my dad, Kayla and I sat down talking about her. I wanted to had a sit down/ intervention with her but my dad said it won’t work and that she wouldn’t listen and would walk out. We all have a disorder. My mum needs help, but I know you can’t help someone until they admit they need help. And me… I’m the youngest. After shit went down all I heard is my parents saying “I give up”  “none of them are getting a job”   “what did I do”   “there all the same”

It’s like they automatically think I’m turning out bad. My parents sometimes say that I’m turning bad and when I try to be different it feels weird because I’m not being myself. Someone at my school said that the only good thing about me changing is my appearance. Well sorry I can’t stay the same for you. I didn’t want to be the shy girl who always got picked on I wanted to be a confident girl who is happy and talks to anyone she wanted without being shy. It took me three years but I got there.Now im trying my best to get good grades and next year I will be in year 10 and I hopefully will be doing year 11 VCE sociology if I get in.

Always have hope. Take risks. Stand up for what you believe in.

-LoveJustHappens