Post It

thirteen

Contrary to you, I'm very pessimistic and I have a hard time seeing the positive side in things, especially when it comes to me, which saves me from people trying to take advantage of me with flattery. I just don't fall for that -Maca

The next morning I was anticipating the next one, a new bit of his personality to unfold. Even if the game was hard for me, I was finding out new things about him and that was an amazing reward.

Maca, I should learn a bit from you. But I like seeing the good in people, I can't help it, I'm a dreamer and I hope things will be fine. But being like this is quite painful, yet I can't give up on society. I guess you can say I'm stubborn.

Before I replied to that one specific post-it I stayed on that bench, thinking. Having hopes, whatever the kind, is always risky, because when these are crushed the fall is so painful. I could understand his words and in that moment I wanted to protect him, to bring him back to reality so he wouldn't get hurt the next time.

My friends say I'm caring and I guess it's true because I would like to protect you from getting your hopes crushed a next time. But I don't know how I could help you, I'm a slacker most of them time. I always want to do things but I don't actually get to do them -Maca

I left that day feeling heavy with concern and that surprised me because I didn't notice until then how much I cared about this stranger, this boy whose name was still an enigma for me.

Even if it's something small, Maca, it makes a difference. By wanting to help you are already doing something. It's like I know I won't save the world by recycling, but I still do it because I know it still helps. But I'm a bit of a hypocrite because I still buy those things that I know harm the environment :(

I replied to that one, noticing how natural it felt talking to him like this. It felt like he was there next to me on that bench, just with a bit of delay. I felt him closer than ever in the four months we had been exchanging notes.

I'm the same, for instance I know I won't save all animals from suffering, yet I'm still a vegetarian. At least I won't take part of that injustice. Yet I still have some leather shoes. I think we all are a bit hypocritical -Maca

The next day he replied with something that made me think the whole day.

You're right, Maca. But I'm a fighter, I'll always try to do something about the things I don't like. But sometimes I get so carried away with the big plans that I forget the present.

During that day I thought about the big things and I questioned myself. I questioned my actions and I felt embarrassed because I never actually fought for those big dreams.

I wish I could find the motivation to do things, but I can't seem to do so. I'm never motivated. But I still dream, I still hope things can change for me. I just wish things were easier -Maca

I didn't think, not even once, that I would end up telling him that. It wasn't a secret, but I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. But at the same time I wanted to share that with him, I just didn't know why.

Motivation is hard to find, but I've discovered that it's easier to feel motivated when you actually do something, even if it's unrelated. I like doing things, whatever it is. I'm always moving, meeting people and butting in. I'm a meddler, I guess :p

I chuckled at that post-it because I totally believed him. What kind of guy leaves post-it with encouraging phrases just to make people happy? What kind of guy keeps exchanging post-its with a girl that has so many flaws as myself?

But you do it out of your good heart, so I guess it's okay. I, on the other hand, have never done something to make people happy just for the sake of doing it. I just live my life selfishly. Yet I still donate when I can and support good causes, so I guess I'm not that cold-hearted after all -Maca

The next day I woke up feeling a bit sad because I knew it was the last day exchanging these kinds of notes. Although I was so insecure at first, I quite enjoyed it at the end and I was going to miss it.

Not at all, Maca. I can tell you have a big heart and your friends are right, you are caring. My friends say I'm a nice guy because I'm always there for them and I like to believe them. I like to think I'm reliable. But I'm also childish, I know that, bordering immature.

Yes. I also totally believed that, from the reliable to the childish part. I believed it wholeheartedly.

Well, I'm super insecure so even when my friends say nice things about them I have a hard time believing them, which must make me look like a brat. But I appreciate their kind words and love, I appreciate my friends and they are super important to me. When I love someone, I give my heart to them -Maca

And after I left that post-it I felt that sadness weighting in on me. I knew we would keep exchanging notes, but it wouldn't be the same game. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know that person who had made me smile and who gave me a little sparkle of happiness even in the dark days. I wanted the boy who made me list seven virtues.

I was a bit wary to find the post-it the next day, yet I still went for it.

Maca... I hope you realised what we did this week. You said something nice about yourself every day, but also a bad thing. That's the point. We are made of virtues and flaws. We are never a list of just bad things. There's always more, even if it's hard to find. I'm glad you shared those things with me. Now I hope you keep saying one positive thing about yourself every day, it'll help you (:

I promised that day I would try.

•••

Even today I still try to do it, to say a good thing about myself but I can't always accomplish it. Yet I try and H was right, it does help a bit. It doesn't solve all my problems, but it reminds me of his words that are true. We are a collection of flaws and virtues and I can't focus only on one side. It's unfair.

I stop my train of thoughts when I notice I've arrive to the restaurant. I was so focused remembering how I ended up telling H about me being vegetarian that I didn't even notice how I managed to get here. Now it's finally time to meet his best mate.

I'm ready.

-:-:-

I'm sorry I didn't update before althought you got the votes yesterday. I just been so busy! But the chapter if longer than usual. I hope that compensates tardiness. Can we have 370 votes for the next chapter? Hopefully, it'll give me more time :D

Dedication to @AberrantHope

Bel, xx

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