Post It

six

Dear Maca:

Woohoo, another letter! Did you like the fair? Did you buy many books? When I went to deliver this letter I did not only almost destroy Mr McDean’s stand, I also bought 10 plays! I don’t even think I’ll have time to read them all but they all looked so pretty and I dunno… they called my name? Plus, I was thinking of you, wondering if you had already read these or if you wanted to. Maybe I’ll tell you about them if you want to.

You know what is great? To be able to have room to tell you more things. The post-its are cool, don’t get me wrong. I love doing what we do, but it’s cool too to be able to write you a whole page (or several pages considering there are many letters). To be honest, I can’t wait to finally meet you and get to properly talk. There are many things I want to ask you.

Anyhow, do you like animals? I love cats the best. I think it’s because they are so independent and elegant but they can be so fluffy and cuddly when they want. And they sound funny. If that’s not reason enough to like cats I don’t know what could be.

So what about you visit a shelter? There’s one I volunteer at where they rescue animals and receive those that people can’t take care of anymore. There are plenty of cute cats but if you like other animals better it’s okay. There are no dolphins if you were expecting that ;)

The address is in the next page and once you are there ask Rosie to give you the next letter. And if you are carrying too many things you can leave them there and we can go pick them up later. For now you’re done with the book fair unless you wanna ditch me and stay there the whole day. I would accept that ):

By the way, don’t forget tell Mr McDean to give you the camera and take a picture with him to remember this day, okay?

See you soon, don’t forget to smile! (:

PS: The letter is E.

By when I finish the letter I’m still chuckling at all the things he said. For some reason I feel this letter was written when he was hyped. Like I can feel in his words he was getting excited and I feel like that now, too. It’s been so wonderful so far and I can’t wait to see what else he has planned.

I’ve always wanted to do volunteer work but for some reason always something comes up and I end up staying home. Sometimes it just stays as a desire and I do nothing about it. I don’t know if it’s because I just lack motivation for everything or because I’m just not emotionally stable to do so. However, I’ve been told that helping others would make me feel better with myself.

Maybe I don’t want to feel better with myself. Maybe, without noticing, I’ve hijacked my own plans just to keep feeling miserable.

I don’t know.

Sometimes I just have crazy theories about how I harm myself in very different ways. People tend to think that when you are depressed the only way you can harm yourself is with cuts but there are many, oh so many more ways and the real scars that depression leaves are far uglier than what a cut leaves, and only you can see them. People think and underestimate what depression is. People confuse so many things and belittle what is really happening. People don’t even consider that some people are not depressed just because they are going through a rough patch, some people just are naturally depressed, it’s part of them, of how they work and they live their whole lives with that.

I’m one of those.

I’ve been diagnosed with endogenous depression and it’s not just your ‘oh poor girl, she’s depressed. Look, she’s so sad.’ It’s more complex than that and even more complex to make people understand what really is. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel like I’m actually great but then… then there are days when nothing seems to reach me, when I’m drowning in a black pit of despair and there’s no way out. It’s a constant chaos when you don’t know how tomorrow is going to be. You don’t know if you’ll feel like fighting the next day. Every second is a constant fight. Every breath. And yes, sometimes it gets less difficult, but it’s never easy and people tend to forget that. And when you’re feeling down the most natural thing is to think negatively. It’s a vicious circle. The most natural thing is to hate yourself and believe you don’t deserve anything. And you want to do everything you can to destroy yourself but at the same time you don’t want to lose yourself forever but you do want that. It’s a hurricane in your mind and you know no one will ever understand you.