Philophobia

Philophobia Chapter 1

She didn't have time for empty thoughts. The only space she had left in her head was focused on coordinating her movements.

'One foot in front of the other. Keep your pace fast but not too fast. Move in-between the people' she thought to herself while weaving between members of the crowd 'God don't let him see me'

The door was in her view but her body betrayed her; her feet stopping once his voice rang in her ears.

"Jasmine" the boy panted as he caught up to her. She could hear his footsteps as he got closer to where her feet were firmly planted.

Jasmine sighed to herself; she couldn't avoid him this time. There was no one to get her out of this dreadful conversation, the one where she would have to listen to him justify his actions, but she didn't want excuses, she didn't want him whispering I'm sorry's in her ear, she didn't even want to be within a fifty mile radius of him. The girl just wanted to be left alone, that's all she asked of him and she couldn't see why he couldn't just abide by her very simple and very reasonable request. But despite her protests here he was standing in front of her and now that he was, she couldn't help but drink in his features. Broad shoulders, guilty, pale blue eyes and the smile that still made her heart melt. He brushed his dark hair back from his eyes. Jasmine noticed how he kept shifting in the balls of his feet and hated herself for being so aware. She had to remind herself that he may look like him but this wasn't the same boy who protected her from bullies and taught her how to hold her own a fight because that boy wouldn't have broken her heart.

"I'm glad I caught up to you Jas..." Dylan trailed of rocking back on his heels contemplating whether this was a good idea or not

"I'm not" was her reply, he noticed how she looked at everything but him. She resembled a wild animal looking for an escape.

"It's just you haven't been answering my calls and..."

She cut him off her voice beating against the tension between the two. "Gee I wonder why that is?" The question didn't really require a reply.

Dylan took a breathe to steel himself before continuing as if she hadn't made that comment and pretending like it didn't sting. "You haven't been returning my calls and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And I know you've probably heart that in every single one of my voicemails, but I mean it, and I-I know that doesn't make it right. I really screwed up after all but I hope you'll see that it was a mistake and-" he paused noticing how her forest green eyes came alive as she glared at him "-and hopefully you'll give me a second chance....at friendship or at a chance of an us so that I can really be with you I just-I want to do right by you."

Now she remembered why she'd avoided him for 3 weeks. She couldn't bear to hear that sincerity in his voice only to know that it was fake. She wanted to be angry, and she was but she couldn't lose control when she could feel eyes that weren't his watching them. With people watching this intimate conversations she would feel obligated to accept his apology when she wasn't ready.

So instead she cast a stony glare his way, gathered her thoughts and went to walk around him. But much to the raven haired girls luck Dylan was as stubborn as ever. His hand shot out to grab her wrist and she snatched it back and stared at him in disbelief. He didn't have the right to touch her.

"What do you want me to say?" She whispered angry tears welling up in her eyes "that I forgive you? That I'm sorry? Do you expect me to just pretend like none of this happened? Well sorry to break it to you but it's not that easy" her voice had raised subtly until it reached a rage filled roar "why can't you just accept the fact that things will never be the way they were ever again? And so help me God if you say it's because you love me i will ever you right here. Right now." Her breathing was off and she felt a dull ache in her chest as she too realized that they couldn't go back to the way they once were.

"Because I just can't. Jasmine there is no logical way to explain it, but I can't let you go. I don't want you to ever not be in my life and if that's selfish then I'll be selfish but I'm not giving up on this...on us." His voice was calm like he always was when she lost her cool because he knew that his anger would only feed her own.

But everything about him in this moment felt like an insult, and angered her. She could feel the rage boiling beneath her skin, she wanted to punch him. And she could feel the school walls slowing blurring into background music against her rage.

"No I can't do this. I can't talk about this" she mumble to no one in particular and bolted for the door.

****
That quaint little two story house in the middle of Martin Luther drive where she grew up hadn't felt like home since her mother died. Instead home was on the corner of Love Avenue and Fairwood Drive. A small gym that she has visited at least three sometimes four times a week. She went there to focus all of her energy. Jasmine had been coming to this place for the past two years and it wasn't until these nine devastating months that she realized how attached she had become to it and it's crew.

In this gym in front of  the familiar punching bag, her hair in a familiar pony tail and her mind honed in on her target...that was when she was her calmest. Focusing on her next attack. Chanting her mantra under her breathe.

"Forward. Back. Jab. Back. Forward. Left Uppercut. Back. Forward. Back. Knee to the side. Back. Jab."

She kept this up until her body responded by breaking into a cold sweat. Then she found a treadmill and jogged for about half an hour before Wayne's laughter distracted her.

Wayne looked to be in his late twenties. Built like a solider.

Philophobia symptom 1- They say the worst is a broken heart