And yet

How to sum up depression in a sentence

Yesterday my dad asked me "if you could boil it down to one thing, what is it that's bothering you?"
Today my mother in law said to me "you can call me and talk to me anytime, anytime you need too."
I've had countless people tell me they love me, I'm beautiful, I'm kind, I'm strong, I'm brave, I'm "winning" and that they are hey to talk and listen....coffee dates, phone calls etc.

And yet.

I can't put it into words. I can't boil it down to just one thing. I can't sit down with you and explain what is hurting so bad. How do you put depression into words? How do you explain the darkness. The sadness. The never ending deep dark black hole inside my chest? I can't just "cheer up," I can't just "look on the bright side." There's nothing anyone can do to help. I don't think anyway.....nothing I've thought of anyway.

Maybe I can try to figure out how to boil it down to one sentence. My elevator pitch to describe my depression. Hold on, this is gonna take a bit of jogging around the subject to get to the foundation.

I'm sad that my life is the way it is right now. That I have to ask for financial help from my my parents. That I can't pay our bills on time, and when I do pay them, I can't even pay all of them. I'm sad that my husband doesn't have a job, and most days he isn't even seeking one. I'm sad that I feel negative thoughts towards him and that I see the bad before I see the good. I'm sad that I'm such a judger when it comes to my husband. I feel like a failure that we stepped away from the school and people see it as a bad thing. That people are judging us. The school we've started. The work we've done. That people are only focusing on the small challenges as opposed to the big gains. I'm so incredibly worried about the future of the school.

And yet.
When I step back from that, it's rather silly to be so worried about it. It's totally out of my control. What people say and think is out of my control. All I can do is share data, encourage people to show up and speak and pray the school stays open. And if it doesn't, what did the past 5 years mean? What were they for? Why did I open a school that only stayed open 5 years? Why did I learn the things I learned?

I'm sad that I'm so sad, especially at Christmas time. Ridiculous right.

I'm sad that my cat is dying. I hope he's not in pain.

I'm sad that my health is crappy.

I'm sad that my kids have a mom whose health is crappy and who lays down to take tests and who cries a lot of the time.

So how do I put all that into one sentence? I'm sad about the changes in my life and worried about the future...
Or I'm mourning my past and concerned about my future.....
Or I'm mourning my past, concerned about my present and worried about my future.

The solstice is when you plant the old and look to the new. I have never felt this is my personal life, ever. It has never affected me. Why is it affecting me now? What has changed in my life that I'm more aware of these things?

Now I need to figure out how to stop being so worried about my future. Eclhart Tolle wrote a book called "the power of now" that I should read. Being present will remove the stress and depression and worry about things that haven't even happened yet. At least
I hope it will.