Collection Of Unfathomable Things

I: Feelings: A Short story

"You don't know me!" She hissed at me. "You do not know me in any relevant way, so YOU do NOT know what is going on." Her eyes were narrowed at me. "In conclusion, you don't know what is going on. You can't know how I feel. So don't goddamn act like you understand me! You can't!"

I took a deep breath, while my hands were clenched into fists. My eyes narrowed dangerously. Tears were brimming in my eyes like they always do when I get angry. It always got me riled up even more. I seemed weak, when I got angry, because most people confused my being angry with my being sad and therefore weak.

"I don't know you?" My voice was quivering...another point adding to my resembling weak.

We were sitting in the cafeteria of our school. Well, she was standing, her chair kicked back, leaning on the table with her clenched fists while her more than angry stares burned right through me. I, on the other hand, sat on the uncomfortable cafeteria chair, conscious of all the students' and teachers' gazes on us. Normally I would try to solve problems silently and without much attention, but now...now I didn't care anymore.

Something like triumph shot through her eyes.

"Yes, you don't know me, deaf person!" She emphasized the 'you don't know me' strongly.

I was tired of not being able to stand up for myself. I was tired of this argument. I was tired of everything.

I shot up, mirroring her position. Our faces were only inches from each other's. The hate in our eyes was obvious. The tension in the air was rising. Everyone seemed to hold their breaths.

"I don't know you?!" I spat.

At least this time my voice wasn't quivering. It was filled with hate and disbelief, yet it also sounded tired.

"You really think that, don't you?" My question was rhetorical.

I shifted my weight, crossing my arms over my chest and creating a distance between our two faces.

"I do know you." My voice was dangerously quiet. "Do you think, just because you are you", I gestured at her "you have a monopoly on feeling that way?" My voice got louder.

I snorted. She just glared at me.

Before she could interrupt, I continued.

"You don't have a monopoly on that. You can't call dips on something everyone has the right to feel." I nearly shouted.

"Although I would never wish those feelings on everyone..." I added quietly.

This time she snorted and I glared at her.

"Now wait!" she held up her hand silencing me in an instant. "You don't know what I feel. Therefore you can't know if I do have the monopoly on these feelings..." She gave me a challenging, yet self-confident look.

"Nobody has the monopoly on any feelings!" Now I was really shouting.

"Just because you think, you are the only one to have legitimate reasons to feel like you do..." I shook my head "that still does not allow you to act like you do."

"It doesn't?" she arched an eyebrow at me.

Snickering could be heard throughout the cafeteria. My cheeks were growing red. Whether of anger or shame even I couldn't tell. But that was nothing extraordinary...I never knew what or if I was feeling. What mattered was how the others perceived me...and they always thought of shame when my cheeks were reddening. Thus, my opposite's expression looked smug. And I wanted nothing more than to wipe the smugness of her face. Still, I was too tired.

"No, it doesn't." I repeated. "There are others who feel that way, people that have to deal with these feelings all alone without their family, their friends and other people helping.

My voice grew sad.

"If they really felt that bad, they would get help. What happens otherwise is wholly their fault." She replied.

"What if you were told that you were only attention-seeking?"

I took a step towards her, only to be stopped by the table between us.

"Or, even worse, if you feel so bad, that you can't even find the energy to talk to anyone? Or, if you are too shy? If you are threatened or deeply hurt? Is your reason really valid then?" I paused, but received no answer. "Because I, sure as hell, would say no."

She looked slightly thrown off, but still replied.

"Well, I guess, if you are told that you seek attention, then I think, whoever said that would probably be right...after all, there always has to be a reason for saying that, hasn't it?"

She smirked devilishly, as if she knew how her words hurt me.

"And, as for the other things...there is always a way. You simply need to find it. If not, then I think the consequences would be their own fault...simply resulting out of their dumbness."

I paled, while a single tear run down my face. I wiped it away.

"There is not always a way." I said, barely audible, my voice quivering again.

"There is not always a way!" I repeated, my voice growing stronger. Hate sparked to life in my eyes. I couldn't perceive how she could say that when she knew herself how hard it was to live with these feelings.

"You don't always have a way. And that has nothing to do with your intelligence. If the people that should care about you the most, your family, only thinks of you as an attention-seeker, even though you are not, and always thinks of your feelings as 'untrue'...I would want to see how you would react!" I paused.

"You lose your whole confidence. You have to deal with your problems completely alone, without any help from your family and even from your friends, because you don't trust anyone enough to tell him or her about your problems. You live in constant fear of being judged as you are judged by your family. And even if you want to talk to others, you can't...You are so used to keeping quiet that you do not even know how to put down your façade. You feel that you can only confide in your cat...as to not burden any other person with your own problems. Because, as someone said so beautifully, the ones you trust most are the ones most likely to stab your back. You learn not to trust anyone and the feelings you can't express drag you down and down...into a dark pit you are not able to escape alone."

More tears brimmed in my eyes, but I knew they would not fall; they never did...even if I wanted them to. I smiled sadly and tiredly.

"And before you say anything: I know perfectly well what I am talking about. This is how I feel...and now tell me, do I really not know you?"

She smirked at me. She leaned over the table, put her mouth close to my ear and whispered:

"You don't know me."

Then she pulled back and said aloud for every person to hear:

"And I don't know you."

Then she whirled around and walked out of the cafeteria, leaving me alone with my feelings and the rest of the school.

Slowly I sat down, conscious of all the judging stares on me. I wished the earth would swallow me up.

Instead I pulled my knees against my chest, putting my arms around them and stared into the distance. My eyes were void of everything.

I rocked forth and back with only five words crossing my mind:

You do not know me.

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Merry Christmas to all persons out there...

I am sorry for being so long on hiatus, but it will probably take some time until I will post new chapters again...that will involve all books.

Currently, I have some other writing and reading promises I have to fulfill...such as writing a 12-pages long essay for school...

Anyway,

Merry Christmas and a happy new year from me,

Elena