you can hold my hand

Chapter 1: peach coloured hair

(Y/n) hasn't been out in two months and three days maybe four she doesn't know anymore .
last time her (only) friend  jooheon had seen her was at one of his countless friends's over the top birthday parties,she was in a dark red long sleeved dress (only one she owned )that jooheon made her wear 
"you're not going in a damn hoodie "
he had said face way too serious for (y/n)'s liking but she had been tired she had a multiple-choice assessment in two days, she needed to ace it and she was in no mood to argue (she never won arguments against him anyway) .

" you look so pretty "  he told her smiling as he stood behind her while she was facing the mirror in her room, her lips tinted a deep lush rose.
"I look ridiculous joo! " she had said laughing at her reflection .

Jooheon even made the birthday boy take pictures of them ,the pictures from that night are on his instagram.
They looked happy. face lit up from the stage lights, flushed pink ,his from dancing and hers from pure  embarrassment  .

That was only two months ago ,but she can't seem to remember how happy she felt .she had spent the last weeks in her bed curlled up in her black star printed blanket ,holding a picture frame to her chest .

sometimes her cat tata would come into the room through the window and sleep the days (and the nights) away by her side, sometimes she would wake up during the day, she would think about moving, about getting dressed, maybe eating ,she hasn't eaten in 2 weeks (or was it 3 ?)

Jooheon...

She should answer his calls, his messages, his countless voice mails ...

but then tata would be laying over her stomach or her legs and she would stay still to not wake him up  staring at the ceiling for god knows how long before her mind starts to hurt .

It hurts too much to stay awake so she goes back to sleep .

Of course never naturally she had been knocking herself out with Restoril .She kept the pills next to her camera. the lense is broken now
But thats fine, she isn't planing on taking pictures ever again .

she doesnt reach out to hold it ,she doesn't inspect the damage ,see if it can be fixed .

some things just can't be fixed

And she isn't particularly keen to see what her last click might have  captured .

all she wants is to rest .all she needs are pills ,water and the blinds shut .

her mother hadn't showed any sign of life .She hadn't spoken to her ,or came to see her ,hadn't tried to make her get out of her room ,she couldn't even hear her moving around in the kitchen in the mornings like she used to.

Its almost as if the house is empty .
No .
its almost as if the world is empty ,and she is the only one left .

But that was about to end, her mother had come into her room for the first time in weeks this morning .

"you have to get up. "she said voice just above a whisper .(y/n) wasnt sure if her mother spoke the way she did because she had lost her voice from too much crying ,Or if she did it out of fear .Fear her voice would break whatever was now left of her child .

"you need to  ,y...you can't keep doing this (y/n)...."
"p...please "she had begged .

Her mother was begging her ,(y/n) knew what she was begging for there was no need to voice it out .

(y/n) had spent another hour in bed after her mother's visit  she stayed under the covers untill she felt sober enough to move.her head was spinning as she stood her vision tinted with small white spots her limbs felt weak she stumbled a few times while getting away from her bed ,shivred when her feet came in contact with the wooden floor. walking hurt, but then again everything else did so that was fine .

she went into the bathroom and shut the door behind her ,she avoided  looking into the mirror .She didnt want to know if she looked as horrible as she felt ,she could brush her hair without a mirror .she took a hot shower, too hot because her nose starting bleeding in the middle of it but that's fine too
He had bled as well .

While getting dresses and packing her note books ,she felt extremely  nauseous .maybe she should pring a paper bag to school just in case ,why did  her mother have to beg ? Now she couldn't go back to the warmth of her blanket  and she must apologize to her friend already she was scared ,but jooheon is kind ,jooheon would understand.

Thats why (y/n) is walking into her astronomy class warpped in a large black sweater and a pair of skinny black jeans ,her colorless converses  are cold and worn out and definitely not suitable for the season but they are her favorite,or at least they used to be .

The sweater is a little big on her frame
Her skin is blueish and her hair is bit wet from the snowflakes that have stuck to it on her way to the school from the bus stop .

(y/n) takes her seat by the huge glass window  the sky is always gray so She doesn't look out ,she lets her bag fall to the ground .the hood of her sweater is pulled over her head as she ducks over her notebook, pen pressed to paper.

She writes meaningless scribbles
Then puts her head down onto her desk.

She hears a murmuring taking over  the class and closes her eyes ignoring the stares and the mumbling. 
Her hands are a bit shaky but thats fine he must be cold as well .

The teacher, Ms. Park, at the front of the room is writing something about  steller evolution on the whiteboard she hears her talking but its only sounds (y/n) can't really make out the words .  Her brain is all over the place she doesn’t take note of anything her teacher writes on the board, choosing instead to fill the lines of her notebook with ink stars .

She ignores the first Poke
She frowns at the second
She sights and turns around at the third.Ms. Park doesn't pay attention to her too busy explaing well..something.

"Hey" the boy says quietly. his peach colored hair falls softly over his forehead, his lashes long and dark ,his bow shaped lips curved into a timid  smile .

"H ...hi " her voice comes out as a mere breath
She cringes at herself ,heart thumping awkwardly in her chest .

The boy hasn't heard her ,she looks at him but her gaze does not meet his eyes .he bites on his lips then looks down at his hands playing with the hem of his shirt .

Before the boy speaks again she turns back to the front.A blush rises to her cheeks.
her teacher glances at her but lets it slide ,she pillows her head on top of her arms again her eyes close,she wonders when the medication would wear off and her breathing steadies .

She dreams of the sea
she dreams of a a pair of dark Brown almond eyes and strands of soft peachy hair .She wakes up short of breath. the classroom is already empty  the sun is in the middle of the sky .her face is warm and wet
And there is a white fabric napkin folded neatly on the right corner of the flat surface of her desk .