Bepannah | Jenshad

past realizations |Chapter 08

Harshad's crying

Tears are rapidly falling from his eyes sliding down his cheeks and Harshad is crying. He doesn't remember the last time he sobbed till he is dry. Doesn't remember his heart burnt, his body felt numb and his chest constricted the way it is right now. He is a mess, full of snot, messy hair, red and in tears, he is a complete mess.

Alia comes forward wanting to console him but he turns away. Not because he doesn't want her to see him like this or he doesn't want for her to be hurt but because he can't look at her right now, can't look at his own girlfriend right now because she hurt his Jennifer, because some way or the other Alia made Jennifer run away, mention of her name or talking about her or being with her, he doesn't know the real reason but Jennifer ran away, crying, yelling and cutting all ties with him. And he doesn't know what he feels about it, doesn't know how to react as the only thing he would like to do right now is cry.

Cry, because he deserves this. Because he made her cry, he hurt her, so much that she went to Mumbai. So much that she couldn't bare the site of him and left him. He is an ass, he is an ass for being a jerk to her. And he admits it. He does and welcomes this pain wholeheartedly because he deserves it, doesn't he?

He deserves this for leaving her in the rain, for forgetting about her everytime, for hurting her so much that he ruined her.

So he shakes his head to Alia, turns around and away from her because he doesn't want to see her, because he wants to be here alone and cry, because hurting Jennifer hurts him too.

His chest feels heavy, his eyes pain as he hears the door closed behind him and he is dropping, directly onto the floor as he feels so many things, all at once. Jennifer's crying face primarily etched on his face shooting pain.

He deserves this. He thought he knew Jennifer, he didn't. She is right, because if he would have, he wouldn't have forgotten about her, but he did. It's all his fault and now he has lost her, lost her for good. Because he knows she will never talk to him anymore.

He curses as he realizes she not only walked out of this room, but she did walked out of his life. Not today but three years ago. The realization hurts him in the heart. Balls him over and he feels like he is loosing balance, feels like he is drowning in the ocean and the waves are crashing on him, he has no chance for air. His chest tightenes as he wipes his tears slamming his head on the bed as he realizes he destroyed her perfect smile, the one he was so fond of, the one he would receive everytime she would look at him and he destroyed that because he is not able to remember the last time she smiled at him, really smiled.

He feels like a dick now. And he is, he is a shit friend. He is a right fuck up. He is not the one to be called her bestfriend because he drove her away. He made her want to pack up her bag and go to the outside world. He made her feel that she wasn't a part of his life. He made her feel abandoned and alone.

And he wants her to laugh, to watch the same movie they watch all the time with him, he wants to walk with him alone the playground that they always did and he wants to talk to her. Not fight, no. He doesn't want to fight, he doesn't like fighting with her. This is the first time they have fought like this. He feels like he is still in shock with her words. Never seen her broken like this ever.

Because he has seen her cry, he has seen her hurting and in pain. He has seen her frustrated and angry. But never he was at the receiving end, never he was the reason for her tears and therefore, this hurts him.

And he has no idea how he is going to change this. He shakes his head, wipes his tears as he takes a deep breathe before pulling up his knees to his chest because he doesn't know what to do. He feels helpless, jerk, monster and stupid. He feels all kinds of things as he doesn't know how to fix this. Doesn't know if she will ever even look at him. Doesn't know if she...