Dear Misguided Brain

12/08/18

  This week has been a long, rough one, filled with rehearsals and book reports and cranky, tired children.

  Yesterday, we attended the holiday play of my high schooler, which wasn't half bad. While awaiting our ride, I brought up a dream I'd had that'd been on my mind.  I feel like it was trying to tell me something, but I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. See I've been having these dreams featuring a certain person for years, but recently, had become maybe a little obsessed with it. So, as I quit writing, I quit thinking, speaking, and everything else, regarding this person, yet, I still dreamt of him. I haven't said anything in hopes the dreams would go away, but they continue on.  So, I said I'd had a dream and it was weird but I felt strong,y that it was trying to tell me something.  Immediately, my husband says something about the person. F&#$! I should've kept my mouth shut.  Then he starts teasing me about it.  

  I'd been in a rather decently cheerful mood until this point.  Now, we're in the car with my brother, who is notorious for teasing, and they're teasing me about glasses (mentioned in a previous post). I already felt bad about that situation and now it's being thrown in my face again, but instead of one person making me feel badly, there's now two.  I felt ganged up on and shut down.  At this point,  I've been harassed twice in less than 10 mins.  I try to push it down, suck it up and laugh about it with them after it drags out for more than a moment.  When we finally get home, I feel like I can relax and my friend (previous downstairs neighbor who'd moved far, far away) comes for a visit.  We spent the entire evening talking about her growing belly and how life has been since she left.  It made my day to see her smiling face and hear the giggles of her daughter, whom my girls miss dearly.

  I awoke today with a sadness it the pit of my stomach.  My friend will be leaving tomorrow and a few hours yesterday and today just don't  seem like enough.  She'll be having baby in April and the only way I'll see them is if we travel to them, which of course we don't have the money to do.  So it's almost like a tease. I am relishing the time I have with her now, but that doesn't make it any easier.  And they moved so abruptly months ago, that it was hard on everyone.  I almost resented her, now husband, for taking her away.  But they're good together and I'm so happy for them and hope to remain in their lives.

  The other reasoning for feeling down is the fact that last night, I  dreamt of that person again.  Why won't it stop? Why can't I make him go away?  I don't dare mention it again as I don't want to start any more fights.  I have a long list of items to do and no energy to get them done.  These dreams have been the most vibrant since I was last pregnant (nearly 9 years ago) and those were the scariest dreams I'd ever had.  I'd awoken a couple days ago having dreamt about drinking a bottle of wine, and feeling hungover the next morning.  I didn't drink.  I haven't had a drink since the glass on Thanksgiving.  But these dreams of the person, their intimate, but not sexual.  It's like we have a bond.  I don't have that with anyone.  And, having never known this person, it's so confusing.  Although it's said when you dream about a person, it's not necessarily the person in your dreams, but someone else in your real life that's being represented.  If this is the case, why does the same person keep coming to me and who is he supposed to be?  I just want it to go away.  I don't want them anymore.  This person is the reason behind my resignation of writing and the animosity between my husband and I.  

  Insecurities can really screw up a relationship when the other person decides they've had enough of being torn down.  I grew a backbone of sorts, wanted to go back to work, lost a bit of weight with my new diet and now he thinks I'm going to run off with someone else.  Let it go man!  I am not going to leave.  I have my own insecurities about myself. The difference between you and I?  I don't shove mine on you and make you feel bad about them.  It's not your fault I am the way I am and vice verse, so don't punish me because of how you feel.

  I'm tired for weeks, almost insomniatic.  Stupid rude neighbors are banging on the walls, slamming doors, and yelling at all hours of the night.  We are renting but they've bought the unit next to us.  There is no one to complain to or any management to remedy the situation.  I've almost pleaded for husband to put in 60 days notice so we can move with our taxes,  but we don't qualify, on his income alone, for a place big enough for all of us and if we move, we'll be without transportation, good neighborhoods and decent schools. I'm going insane living here.  I've given up so much being here and now I have to give up sleep? I think not.  I'm at a loss and unsure of where to go from here.  My uncle has temporarily move in with my parents, so using their spare room is out of the question.  I have no other option but to stay and deal with the lack of quality sleep.  In the past two weeks, I've noticed a more sunken look on my face than I've ever had before.

  I am currently waiting for middle schooler to get the dishes done so I can finally make my sugar cookies. I'm feeling a bit lost and hoping that baking will bring me back a little.  I guess only time will tell.  I haven't fallen completely apart yet, so some piece of me is still threading the needle and sewing my broken parts.

  For now, I bid you ado.