Dear Misguided Brain

12/02/18

   Today was definitely a day with many, many, many hiccups.

   Today was one of those days where I felt invisible. No one seemed to hear me tell them to do their chores.  They go on doing their own thing, earbuds in, or outright ignore me, and before you know it, they've pushed a little too far.  Husband is yelling at me to calm down (when in fact he loses his sh*t more than I do, er, did). I spanked, one palm to each of their heinies, once. I hate when it happens.  I felt awful immediately, which means I didn't remedy the situation, I only made it worse. Both kids crying, I wanted to do the same, but hide in the darkness, in a ball.  When I couldn't, and there's no where to go because this apartment is so small, I started to panic a bit.  Instead of breathing and whatnot, I started dusting my bookshelves (my makeshift pantry since this place doesn't have one).  Soon after, one by one, the kids came out to eat dinner.  Everything soon went back to how it was and everyone was telling antidotes and laughing.  

  Before bed, I asked each kid if they understood why they got a spanking and how bad it hurts me to have them push me that far. I hugged them a little tighter and kissed them twice before they wrapped up in blankets.  Just so we understand, and you don't have to agree with me,  I was a firm believer in spanking when I was a young mom.  As I grew wiser, I changed that train of thought.  When I reflected back on my own experiences with my mom, now realizing how abusive she was to my siblings and I, I decided it would be better to go the Jo Frost way and speak to my kids before I thought about putting a hand to their bottom.  My mom used to break spoons on us, used a paddle (which I have in my possession having hid it for the sake of my youngest sister) and she would hit us with metal spatulas.  I thought it was normal until I got older and that's when I understood that she had mentally and emotionally abused us, as well as physically.  I feared my mom and never wanted that fate for my kids.  Each time I spanked, I felt worse than they probably did, knowing I caused them physical harm.  

  Being a mother is a very emotionally draining and mentally challenging job.  Sometimes, I feel I'm not up for the task.  I actually don't want to celebrate Christmas this year, but I keep a smile and pretend for the kids.  This year has been pretty rough from drowning in credit card debt to having my parents buy their second home, and rubbing that and my siblings' successes in my face.  Both sides of the family constantly asking us why we're not able to pay rent on time or how come we don't have a car, telling us what we can and can't do...my ENTIRE life has been on someone else's clock.  I've never been able to pick up and leave when I want, go where I want, or do what I want, unless I've gotten permission from another.  So, as you can see, I don't want to celebrate a holiday where expectations need to be met and we, once again, can't provide.

  Husband said it was his place too, so he would decorate if I wouldn't, and so, he brought ALL of the Christmas decorations from storage the middle of last month, yet he has done nothing.  I have been asking him for weeks now, and still, they sit.  It's almost as if he brought them here with intentions to hurt me.  My small patio, my only escape from this dump, is covered in bins of decorations.  He not only took away my space,  but he's buried it in the thing I hate the most right now.

  I was looking forward to candle day at bath and body works, but, somehow, I'd been misinformed of the date, and missed it.  This was the icing on the cake to dropping my peanut butter and honey toast, face down, onto my white fluffy pillow, and having nothing else to eat for breakfast until husband got home from work.

  If It wasn't so late, I'd be enjoying my wine right now, but I figured with all the BS that's happened today, with my luck, id end up waking in the middle of the night, having a heart racing episode.  Nope.  Not tonight.  Any other night, I think I'd be ok.

  Guess I'd better get to sleep.  Grocery shopping in the morning.  Looking forward to trying a gluten free sugar cookie recipe.  Also, I need to do my nails, start on Christmas cards for the family, and mending my daughter's pants for her play.  While I have my sewing machine out, I have to make some doll clothes for my youngest's presents.  Their dolls get something every year and since we can't buy it, I'm going to try to make it.  I guess family will be getting home baked goodies this year.  I can't compete with my cousin, but while hers is regular flour, I'll be making all gluten free products.

  As the days get busy, I may not write, so forgive me.  Thank you to the one person who has been reading each post.