university | lrh

17 - don't leave me

Elise Halder
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It was my own fault, really.

It was my fault because I was the one who pushed him. I was the one who worked him up, and I was the one begging for him in his room.

The worst part is that it was absolutely perfect. All of it, being Luke in general, and I don't regret a single part of it. But I know that I should, and I can only assume that he probably does.

Of course he does, you idiot. He doesn't want anything to do with an inexperienced little girl like you.

And that's why I didn't think twice before I ran out of his apartment. It's the same reason I ignored his frantic calls after me, and it's the same reason I didn't stop running until I was back on campus. I was even a little grateful for the second intrusion by Luke's rather blunt friend, considering he'd kept me from having to look at Luke a second longer.

I can't deny that it was hard to look at him, because I can't get his expression out of my mind from the moment I'd told him I had to leave.

He looked hurt. Pained, even.

And I know, deep down, that if I'd looked at him for the slightest bit longer, I couldn't have left. I would've stayed, I would've let him explain, because he would've asked me to listen. And I would've obeyed, because I'd do anything he asked of me. But he never quite got the words out, and I took my only chance to leave with the tiniest shred of my dignity intact.

He's called me, in fact he hasn't stopped calling me for days. There's texts too, a lot of them. But I can't bring myself to look at his words. I don't want to confuse myself any further, because there's simply no more room in my mind to comprehend anything else but the words I overheard.

"Not quite your usual type, is she?"

"I don't think Sidney would like that very much."

"You really need to get laid, dude."

And maybe I should've let him explain. Maybe it would've eased the constant tension that's been settled in my chest for days now. Maybe I wouldn't have had to piece together the cryptic conversation I listened to and I wouldn't have ultimately assumed the worst.

Maybe I wouldn't feel this unparalleled bitterness towards Sidney, of whom I know nothing about.

But it's too late. Because the thoughts are already there and no amount of persuasion from Cassie or the boys can keep me from conjuring up ideas of Luke and her. Ideas where she's the one he's actually interested in, and I'm just the little girl in his class that he got a bit too carried away with.

And I can't even be mad at him. I have no reason to be. I'm only upset, and confused, because despite all he's said to me, I still feel like he doesn't actually want anything to do with me. I still feel like it was only from the heat of the moment, and that's the worst part, because I actually like Luke. Beyond anything physical, I really, really like Luke. But I'm almost certain it doesn't flow both ways.

Then why did he call you his?

The thought has been sitting at the back of my mind for days, but I can't even dwell on it because Calum's voice brings me back to reality.

"I really need a girlfriend." He sighs, glancing rather forlornly at Cassie and Michael, who are currently tangled lazedly on Cal's bed, in a mess of pink and blue hair as she rests her head on his chest.

Their closeness makes me think of Luke, and I fucking hate it.

"Tell me about it," Ashton agrees, placing his chin in his palm and huffing out a breath as he watches our two other best friends cuddle.