It All Started With a Diary

lies

Fuck. And, just like that, the the anger returned with a spark.

Then came the sadness, and that unbearable bitch was never one to be anything other than ruthless.

Worthless.

I shut my eyes tightly, as if it would create a defensive shield around me. As if it could prevent the pain from reaching me. But, I knew that wasn't true; it never worked before.

I wasn't strong like everyone else. I was deadweight.

The blade sunk into my wrist, slicing across my skin so casually. I bit my lip as the blood began to trickle down my skin, trailing across old scars.

Fucked up.

The words were low, even though I knew no one was home. I recited every name, every insult and trickle of pain and trauma, and felt each one blend right in with each cut.

This was how it went. Once the blade touched my skin, I never felt the pain in the moment. It was more of releasing it that brought me back to the circumstances every single time.

By the time I finished, my arm was now smooth with blood, the scars terribly reopened and freshly shaded. I knew that the pain would follow up soon, but right now, I was high off of my own discharge of emotions.

Waste of space.

I glanced at my thighs; the one place that had gotten the worst of it all over the years. My tears continued to linger across my cheeks, despite my red hands repeatedly wiping them away.

The pain was beginning to seize me without warning. I ignored it, gripping the blade so tight against the skin.

After the last cut, the blade fell from my fingers. It hit the ground, my heart following right behind it. The sobs racked my body under my own circumstances, the sound loud and pitiful.

I laid in bed, my wreck of a mind beginning to open up, ever so slowly. As I stared at my bloody sheets, my bloody clothes, my bloody soul, the same question taunted me.

What had I done to myself?

By the time I pulled myself to my bathroom, I knew it was just a matter of time for Ryland and dad to come home. I clutched the sink, my hands damp with both sweat and blood as I struggled to hold my body up.

Somehow, I managed to make it to the bathtub. My body went underneath the water, flinching slightly at the cold water. Usually, I would wait until the water slightly heated, but not in these circumstances.

I cleaned myself, watching as my blood mixed with the clear water. Even after I washed all traces from my breakdown, I still knew this was pointless. Everything was pointless.

I would never be clean.

***

Raven pulled me in for another hug, lips in a frown. "I missed you," she expressed.

I smiled, hoping it appeared to reach my eyes. "Yeah, me too."

She pulled away, holding me at eyes length. Her eyes roamed over me carefully. "You sure you're okay?"