Weakness | Loki [Book One]

Chapter Ten

"You're not going to sleep tonight, are you?' Loki asked once we'd teleported back to the library in Asgard.

I shook my head. "I can't deal with the nightmares tonight."

"It's not good that you don't sleep, love," Loki said. "Even I need sleep."

"I've got some reading to catch up on anyway." I picked up my book and sat down on the couch. I didn't actually have any reading to "catch up on," but I read the book anyway. 

Loki sat down beside me, opening a book of his own. I couldn't understand why he would stay here when the dark circles under his own eyes were obvious even through the illusion. 

"Loki, go on. You need to sleep. I'll be fine." 

"No, I can stay."

"Loki--"

"I'm staying." He ended the conversation, making it clear that arguing would only waste energy. 

For goodness' sake. I'd fallen asleep. 

I knew because I was surrounded by faceless Hydra leaders. They each held a gun in their hand. I too had a gun, but I didn't need to check to know it had only one bullet in it. Eight Hydra against one. I'd faced this so many times that I already knew every possible outcome. I shoot one of them, the rest shoot me. I shoot at the ceiling, they shoot me. I shoot myself, I still die. 

I held the gun in my hands. I was so tired of having to go through nightmares every time I fell asleep. I was just tired, but sleeping only tired me more. I raised the gun and shot at the roof, then felt the sharp pain pierce through my chest. As the blood started to seep through the fabric of my shirt, I snapped awake, screaming in pain.

"Sh, sh, you're okay," I heard Loki whisper. "It's okay, you're okay." I tried to focus on the steady beat of his heart and the warmth of his arms wrapped around me instead of the still-lingering pain.

"Breathe," he said. "It was just a nightmare. You're okay."

I don't know how long I stayed there, but it was a long time before the initial panic passed. I could still feel the bullets piercing through my skin and the metal shattering my bones. 

"If you don't want to relive what happened, then say so," Loki said quietly. "Don't lie and say you're fine. I know you're not. You can't lie to the god of lies."

"I can't do this anymore." My voice broke. I could feel the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. 

"Yes, you can. You're one of the strongest people I know."

"I should have just jumped," I said, almost quietly enough that he didn't hear.

"What?"

"I should have jumped off the building. It wouldn't have made a difference."

"That's not true, love. Suicide wouldn't have and will not help anyone. We'll get through this."

Truth be told, I didn't believe him when he said that. I didn't think I could get through the nightmares, the pain, everything, but I did. Loki and I spent the next few nights in the library, talking, reading, and laughing. Honestly, I'd never laughed so much in my life than when Loki told a story about how he'd disguised Thor's hammer as a table and Thor spent weeks trying to find it, scared that Odin would punish him for losing Mjolnir.

Loki stayed up for three nights with me, keeping me company in my fear. He hadn't slept, and neither had I, but it seemed to have a bigger effect on him than it did on me. On the four night, Loki was reading a book when he dozed off, falling asleep on the couch. I finished my chapter and took a trip up to the roof of the palace. The stars were beautiful and I wanted to take advantage of the Asgardian sky while I was still here. We were going back to Midgard in a few days and I didn't know when I'd be back.