Learning to deal

Gaining ground

It's been 6 months since we got rid of you Cancer an evil ugly word and for me I have one your eviction and you are gone I've realized how many things you destroyed over the years my confidence my health my life my happiness even parts of my marriage but you lost, and you will continue to do so at least with me

For 10 years you had been hiding slowly eating away inside me, you made me feel pain I hoped i would never feel, a level of fear i never wanted to know a diagnosis i never wanted nor do i wish on my worst enemy but i was never given the choice to say no

I wonder if you lied in wait till i was older hiding inside my deformed genomes waiting till my body was developed enough for you to feed and thrive, you had time to think to evolve to find places and faces to hid behind, while i was devoured and cried in pain wishing that someone would here me, help me fix me

For years i was misinformed misguided misdiagnosed by both you and my body as i also developed 2 autoimmune diseases that continued to attack and evade medical science, disguised as lesser issues unimportant problems that get hundreds of women every years told they are simply drug seekers or addicts and that their pain is a figment of there imagination made up so that they can get narcotics, that was never what they wanted, what i wanted, I didn't want a band-aid a temporary solution to a much larger problem i wanted a fix a solution a way to make the pain stop and stay gone, and after 11 years i got one

But to my own dismay i learned a few things about myself, I made all good and well with the fact a long time ago that i never wanted to bare children of my own, i have seen what caring a child can do to a women the pain, complications, illnesses and even death it can cause and had decided at the young age of 14 that was never something i wanted to experience, and by the age of 19 after the 1st lengthy hospital stay thanks to you, I wanted the whole organ inside me removed I never had a care about that part of me i didn't need the ability to have a child as i never wanted to carry one 

Having an assumption that i could not have children having that confirmed and losing the ability all together even if i never had it to begin with caused very different feelings in me, Both physically and spiritually

A Lot of women feel as though they are no longer women that they are lesser being because they are broken and deformed in a way, they are unworthy because they no longer have the opportunity to have children. This did not apply to me, I had always just assumed that i was not meant to have children and was perfectly fine with that. Spiritually however something was missing something was gone there was a piece of me that no longer functioned properly, not that it ever had to start with but that was always what i had thought i had never had proof that i was truly unable to fulfill the job of bearing children and all of a sudden something wasn't right something was off balance

I was broken but it was my spirit that was broken the energy of my body my core was gone, my womb had been removed, i had fought so hard to have it and everything attached to it taken out for years i was so happy the day i got to hear a doctor say lets schedule surgery  that i was finally going to get what i had been fighting for i was going to no longer be in so much pain everyday, i was going to stop fighting and truly begin to heal and get healthy, But that happy was bittersweet and short lived

Now i could not perform the job the gods had intended for me to do, to create carry and bare life, so i was a failure, i was defective and empty in a way i had never known, never knew i could feel, but i knew that i had to process and understand this feeling in order to truly get better to truly heal

I am still fully capable of raising and teaching children, they will just never be my own and i am ok with this i have made my peace with this, so now it is time to re-balance myself because that core is still empty that chakra had no real place to take power from nothing to store it in, no organ to hold the life energy that women carry in there womb, but i am making progress and i am gaining ground and i will be ok again just you wait and see