You, Always

Chapter One: Letting Go

You got this Andie.

Just do it.

Okay...

I take in a long, deep breath and try to at least overpower the noise of the paper that's crinkling in my hand.

"My mum," I exhale and continue as my hand shakes from all the nerves. "My mum is—was—the best person I knew. Have you ever come across something who had a soul too beautiful, too extraordinary for this world?"

"She... She was one of those. She told me one thing is most important when I live my life. It's that whatever challenges I face, even if I feel like that problem isn't ever going to disappear, it soon wouldn't matter because it'll be the past."

My bottom lip starts to quiver and my vision begins to blur so I can no longer make out the writing on the paper.

I try to calm myself by looking around the room but I only feel worse when I see my aunt as she cries next to the rest of her family. People are either wiping their eyes to get rid of the tears or have their hand against their mouth to try and quieten their cries.

"But I really don't know how I-I-I can do that at the moment because you aren't here to help me, mum." Turning to my right, her coffin has a bunch of purple and yellow flowers in an order to spell 'mum' and four red roses placed neatly on top by me, Aunt Nadia, Uncle Mark, and Josh.

"I d-don't-t know h-how to do I-it without you." It seems too hard to hold in my sobs and I don't fight it anymore but I don't stop speaking.

I have to finish. It will be the last thing I say to her.

"I always t-t-thought you would b-be there when I walked down the aisle. T-t-that when I have my first heartbreak you'll b-be there. When I have my f-first child you'll be there and you're not." I quickly wipe my eyes.

I'm not speaking off what I wrote anymore, I'm saying what feels right, right now.

"You're meant to be here and you're not. I-It hurts mum and I d-d-don't know how to make it stop." I'm not even speaking to the other grieving people here anymore, I'm speaking just to her.

"I-I hope you can hear this and I'll see you soon mum. A lifetime seems like forever but I'll wait, I just hope you'll wait too." I walk to the coffin and rest my hand on it, bowing my head before I turn my back to it, to her, and walk away.

*******

Silence is what's surrounding me and there's a constant sorrow that's weighing on my shoulders. I can hear the car tires against the gravelly roads as we drive and the rain drizzles on the window.

Since I'm not old enough to live alone, I have to move into my aunt's house starting today. Not what I wanted to be doing on the most heartbreaking day of my life. It's only been a week since her passing and I miss her like mad already.

I was always close with my mum and I think it was because once my dad walked out on us, we only had each other and I looking back on it now, I don't think I would have had it any other way.

The only thing I remember of him was the ongoing arguments anyway, one day he just left. Slamming the door behind him—never coming back.

There was this one time that I went on a school trip for a week. I remember having so much fun and I missed her, but not as much as I do now.

I think it was because I knew that as soon as I pulled up at the school gates, she would be waiting for me.

I would see her again.

But this time it isn't like that... I won't see her again.

When people die of cancer, some might say that they 'lost their battle'.