Beautifully Damaged

27. Control

Reluctantly, I disengaged my iPod from its connection and climbed out of the car, wincing at the stiff soreness in my back and legs. I reached upwards, stretching out my abused muscles with a groan and sleepily headed toward my apartment building.

A car swung toward the pavement, the headlights searing my eyes. My body reacted and flinched away, closer toward the wall. It pulled up to the sidewalk, not even coming close to where I had been standing, and out jumped Alex.

My earlier confidence was not dashed, but I was tired- too tired to want to hash this out with him at four in the morning. Optimistically, I moved toward the front doors, trying to make it seem like I hadn’t seen him.

“I know that you know I’m here.” He called me out, standing by his car with his arms crossed over his chest.

I dragged myself around to face him, forcing some lucidity into my brain before I even started to talk to him. “Why are you here, Alex?”

In the weak light of a lamppost, I couldn’t distinguish his features clearly, but his delay gave away the fact that he was weighing what he should say to me. A sigh parted his lips and he leaned against his car. “What do you know?”

There it was. The full force of the blow hit me, stealing the breath from my lungs. One way or another, I had believed the demon, but the reality really only caught up when I got the confirmation from Alex.

My voice escalated from frustrated and quiet to accusatory very quickly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded. “You had all of the answers I needed, and you didn’t tell me.”

“Is that all you’re mad about?” He asked, his voice softer than I had expected.

“No!” I snapped, letting my anger run free. Gathering my thoughts, I started in on what really mattered here. “You let her die?”

Alex’s face contorted in something comparable to a cringe, but he masked it quickly, taking a few steps forward until he was in my space. “You mean I let you die.”

I refused to back up; I was tired of being overpowered. “It was your responsibility and you just decided her life didn’t matter anymore?”

“It wasn’t like that-” He began, but I couldn’t let him carry on.

“What was it like, then? Enlighten me Alex, because I honestly don’t understand.” I forced the dispute, brought the challenge out into the open, adrenaline washing away my earlier tiredness.

His jaw clenched, clearly outlined by shadows. The grey in his eyes grew colder, the first bite of a harsh winter. “There’s a lot more going on than you understand,” He replied finally.

I laughed, short and harsh. My eyes leveled with his. “And whose fault is that?”

“Don’t,” Alex warned, muscles jumping in his jaw and down his neck. “You have no idea.”

“Well then tell me!” I yelled, my voice carrying easily across the street. Alex took a step back. “If I’m so blind to what has truly happened, then give me a clue!”

“I made a mistake!” He roared, desperation pitching his voice higher than normal.

It was my turn to step back; letting those words settle between us. No words came to me then, I was powerless to do much more than watch the Alex I had created, the monster, disappear, crumbling at the foundations. My mouth hung open, grasping for the words it couldn’t find.

His grey eyes were torn, their ice thawed down revealing their real depth. “I was stupid, and wrong but I didn’t know that that would happen. How could I when I wasn’t watching?”

The stubborn part of me still adamantly believed that he was wrong and cruel and so infuriating, but my more reasonable mind was bending to his side, willing me to see what he had seen.

“I didn’t mean for her to die.” Alex whispered, his face skyward to a dark night, his eyes far away from this time.

I could see that he was reliving that time and it broke me up inside because I had witnessed it again a few hours ago. No one should have ever had to live through that, not even the one who had unknowingly caused it.

“But she did.” The bite in my tone shocked even me, my breath catching in my throat at the harshness in the words themselves. My mouth shut with an audible click as my teeth snapped together, preventing further word spillage for a second. “Lucy did die, and it hurt everyone around her, and continues to every day that she’s gone.” I couldn’t believe that I had the guts to speak my subconscious thoughts, but they flowed from my mouth as easily as any words ever had. “And it’s your fault.” The strength in my voice petered out, leaving them a strangled whisper as Alex’s wide eyes snapped down to catch my unwavering stare.

The guilt and pain in his eyes was enough to make me want to go back on my word, but what I had said was true, and I couldn’t just forgive him like that. He had ended my life. Just because he hadn’t meant to do it, it didn’t mean that it hadn’t been wrong and destructive. Alex had to see that.

“You destroyed a family and then went on and pretended it never happened.”

“I-” Alex’s voice was raw, and his face was pale with shock, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, ignoring the lump in my throat that was growing by the second. “How can you just be sorry?” The disbelief that had been rising in my chest revealed itself, desperate to relay to Alex just how wronged I felt.

Alex said nothing, but leaned against his car more heavily, like it was the only thing still holding him up. “That’s all I can say.”

I stared at him, my body shaking with exhaustion of the mental and physical variations. Lucy’s death- my death had caught up with me. Everything crashed into me, a wave dragging me under, into the depths of swirling emotion.

Alex watched me, as I had watched him, but instead of keeping us separate, he took me in his arms and held me to him.

“She had a little sister, you took her away from a family.” I breathed shakily into his chest, my hands clenched into fists. “You took away my mother’s peace of mind.”

I didn’t notice that my shoulders were heaving with sobs of anger and deep wretchedness. Alex was silent as I blamed him, each accusation hitting his soul with painful accuracy. I cried until I ran out of tears to cry and energy to cry them. Still, Alex was there when I was done, and though I refused to forgive him, he walked me to my apartment, despite the fact that I wouldn’t look at him or speak.

I closed the door behind me with a stiff nod as his only acknowledgment and collapsed on the couch in the living room. Curling up in a ball, with my knees tucked up to my chest, I let the last of my shaking sobs subside.

The last of my hiccups and sniffles faded away, leaving an unbearable silence in the light room. Even though sunrise was a couple of hours away, I left the lights on because the dark no longer felt safe or comforting. I slipped my earphones into my ears and pressed play, letting soothing notes fill the silence that plagued me.