Beautifully Damaged

17. Forever

My eyelids were heavy, my muscles tight. An indent throbbed on my forehead where the steering wheel had pressed for the past half an hour. When I finally could cry no longer, I sat back in my seat, ignoring the rawness of my eyes and the stiffness in my neck.

Faintly, I heard my ringtone from the floor of my Audi. I glanced down at the scratched silver of my iPhone, hating it for taking Bear away from me.

I couldn't feel anything, I was numb, inside and out.

What was I going to do now?

I put my head in my hands, unwilling to answer the phone. Then I remembered my promise to Jenna. I realized that I couldn't just shut out the world, no matter how much I wanted to. Though it was unfair that he'd been taken from me so suddenly, the world kept on spinning. Time stopped for no one, and if I sat here feeling sorry for myself any longer, it would leave me behind.

Something had happened in my life prior to this, and I'd been given a second chance of some sort. It would be selfish to waste what Bear had given me, to ignore that he had saved my life. I had to carry on, or else his death would be in vain.

Taking a quivering breath, I reached down and grasped my phone bringing it up to my ear and preparing my voice to sound steady, sure. Just before I answered, I checked the caller I.D., sure enough, it was Jenna and she'd called about five times prior to this. I quieted my mind and pressed the answer button.

"Hey Jenna," My voice cracked with the remnants of pain, and she caught it easily.

"What happened?" She asked her voice higher than usual.

Glancing at the clock on my dashboard, I noticed that it was now around lunch time, which explained the voices in the background. I still couldn't voice what had happened; my brain was tightening the filter to my mouth.

"I- I just really can't talk about it right now, but I'm okay, I'm alright."

All I was doing was reassuring me, more than Jenna. Panic kept closing my throat and quickening my pulse.

"Where are you?" She demanded, and I heard the chat around her fading.

"You don't need to leave school for me," I protested, albeit weakly.

"Blaise Anthony," Jenna snapped, "You tell me where you are or I'll find Drake and Alex to help me find you."

A noise of surprise worked its way out of my throat. I didn't know that Jenna could be so serious, or commanding. "Please don't," I whimpered, hating the weakness in my trembling voice.

"Then tell me where you are," Her voice softened, asking more than demanding.

"I'll meet you at my apartment."

We hung up and then I was leaning my head back against the headrest. I told myself that I would only close my eyes for a second, because my head was still stuffy and throbbing, and my eyes were still stinging.

Eventually, I coaxed myself into turning on the engine and then shifting into gear. I really didn't want to go home.

***

When I arrived, I was still shaking, but considerably less, and my head had cleared a bit. The whole car still smelled of Bear and blood, and it kept shooting me back into the past. It was unbelievable that I'd never see him, never take comfort in his presence, and never look into his eyes again.

A lump grew again, in my throat and my chest tightened, but I willed the upset away.

I couldn't stay upset forever, I'd said goodbye to him, and I had to let him go. People missed too much of their lives mulling over what they could have done, what might have happened.