Tevun-Krus #62 - Best of 2018

Wattpad Is Dead - @MadMikeMarsbergen - Anti-Hero SF

He'd make short work of that scriptomagik. Then he'd get to where he wanted to be.

This was a new lead he was following, its implications grave. The place was possibly one of a kind, though he doubted it. Lord WattPad never had been one to indulge in something just once.

He slammed face-first into an invisible wall and nearly knocked his hat off. Then he waited impatiently for the wall—obviously executed from a shit-can single-core processor from the year 2000—to load up a video advertisement for Dogshit EZ Glide, a brown-coloured, vegan-friendly lubricant apparently made from a proprietary blend of real dog-shit oils and emulsifiers. It also worked as an all-purpose cream for sensitive skin.

"Fuckin' Wattpad," he said before punching the advertisement into a thousand pieces. "You sold your soul to Big Sex? For fuck's sake... Big Tobacco was far enough. Now thirteen-year-olds are gonna be jerking off with dog shit scraped straight off the sidewalk. Poor little know-nothing bastards."

With the story ready to continue uninterrupted, the man with terrible skin ventured around another corner, walked straight through another crossroads, backtracked ten paces and entered another hidden door. If the calculations posited by Rollie's Ghost—an elite, codebreaking AI and an all-around-decent guy to chat with—were true, then this next hologram-projected wall he passed through would lead him straight to—

Dear Lord.

The man with the terrible skin stopped to marvel at the fairly bland-looking facility before him: hallways and doors, and ceilings and floors.

The Chosen One had entered the building.

3

@Hammond420 heard MOM scream and the chamber lid popped open. The SEED sheet steamed with post-coital enthusiasm, and was promptly spat out from the chamber like a bullet. He leapt to catch it, juggling it between his hands. Trying to crumple the paper was impossible. It might as well have been a molten-hot rock from the Great Orange W in the sky. When he'd succeeded with the task, he threw the balled-up wad of paper into the garbage—or onto the garbage, rather, seeing as how it was overflowing with similarly spent SEED sheets.

Oh well. Maybe he'd empty the trash tomorrow. Maybe not. Who really cared? No one from HQ ever came down to see how things were operating. They probably chatted all about it up there on the surface, away from the ears of the common worker, but they didn't know what they couldn't see.

Speaking of what they don't see, @Hammond420 thought, smirking, his gaze drifting to the coffeemaker in the corner of the room. Tonight had been a slow night for the tender art of procreation—precisely why he'd gone and made one of his own. He could risk it. Let his hair down a bit.

He set the machine to Caffeine Overdose, waited for his cup with trepidation, then guzzled it down in one swallow. He sat in a chair and waited for the coffee to take hold.

It was somewhere around when MOM started to vibrate that he heard banging and thudding and screaming and maybe even psychotic hollering out in the hall. Of course he shrugged it off as being more hallucinations. Trying to tune it all out, he watched MOM grow a set of breasts and heave them to and fro. He unzipped his pants and started fiddling around with the place where his genitals might've once been.

Then the door banged open, nearly making him shit himself, and a towering monster rushed inside, roaring. The monster tore off its fur in two thick clumps.