Shadows Beneath

Chapter 12

As I woke up from my mid afternoon nap, the hurt was still there heavy on my chest. I had to talk to my friend Brian. I had to let him know I wouldn't be in their league anymore. There's no way I cold bare looking at either one of those two again. It really didn't even seem possible. Although I knew I probably would because my life revolved around bowling so it's inevitable this was going to happen. I just would rather not picture those two walking around together. He told me that he had already spoken with Mike and heard of the little altercation between the three of us and completely understood. He was a good friend and just simply asked if everything was going to be alright. I of course told him yes." If you ever need anything just give me a call. If there's anything you need at all, don't be afraid to ask" he said. "Thanks man, it means a lot, it really does. Hopefully this  will all blow over soon" I responded. "Alright bud, keep in touch." I hung up and walked back to my room. I closed the door and hid in there for a while. I knew I would get over her really soon. I mean, it's not like we were a long term couple or anything. She was my first and it was special to me. I would have rather had it end in a little more peaceful way than it did, but what can you do right? The world is a cruel place sometimes.

I'm going to try not to dwell on it too much. I can't sit around and wallow in my own self pity. As much as it sucks that the first girl I slept with turned out to be just a whore, I need to get back to the normal me. I can't show weakness. I have to keep my pride in tact. I can't let the rest of the outside world know I could be hurt. "Forget about her. There's a million other girls that would be happy to be with you, and respect you, and care about you"' is the main thought I keep telling myself in my head. "time to get back on your feet" I say and look in the mirror. I'll get it back. I know I don't have to worry about getting in any more relationships before I leave for college. I'm not going to let it happen. I'll wait and keep things simple. Then I won't have to worry about trying to hold a relationship together from a distance.

Mike calls. Oh boy, this ought to be fun. "What the fuck do you want?" I ask him. "I just want to call and say I'm sorry again. I mean it. I don't want this to come between us as friends, you know what I mean? We've been through a lot together. We have a great friendship. We have history. I know I fucked up and you probably hate me right now, but I wanted you to know that I'm really sorry." "There's no fucking way I'll ever forgive you. Who the fuck are you even? Friends don't do that shit even if the girl turns out to be some slut that will sleep with anyone, any day. You just don't do that. You just crushed every ounce of trust I had for you. It's completely gone. There is no getting it back. What you did was unforgivable. Go find yourself a new friend because we're fucking done. Goodbye Mike, have  nice fucking life!" I hung up the phone. Not one inkling of pity, sorrow, or forgiveness in me. I lost my trust in the one person I trusted the most. I can't be his friend anymore.

Shortly after I got off the phone, my mom came home. She saw me muster up a smile and gave me a big hug. "Thanks mom, you always know what I need." "Of course I do" she says "I'm mom" she says with a smile. "Let me put together a lasagna for you" she says and there's no way in hell I'm going to object to that. There's something about having your favorite meal cooked especially for you that can almost instantly cheer you up. It was a good feeling. "Can you just make this every night?" I ask jokingly. She gives me a little smile and says "sure sweetheart, as long as you buy the ingredients every night for it!" she laughed. "Don't tempt me, I might!" DInner was fantastic tonight. It tasted better than it ever has. I went back for seconds and even thirds. "Thanks again mom for a fantastic dinner!" I said before I got up. "You're welcome son, I hate seeing you upset. so I'm just doing my part." "I appreciate it mom. I'm fine." She smiled and gave me another hug. "Letterman tonight?" I asked, and she nodded her head in approval. We sat around the television and really did't watch much of the show. I talked to her about my day and my feelings. I told her that I was going to do my best to forget bout what happened. She agreed that I needed to, that I deserved better. The usual words from her. She thought it was a good idea that I wait until after I get up to school to worry about the dating scene. Of course, she had to mention that college was for learning, not for playing and to keep myself in line."Words of wisdom " I said with a smile, "and when did my brother and I enter the world?" She knew I wasn't the party animal type so I don't think it worried her too much. She didn't think that was too funny and shot me kind of a mean look. "I'm sorry mom, I had to." "Well you see where that got your father, absolutely nowhere, and I don't think you want that." "definitely not" I said.

As the night wound down I felt much much better about things. Being able to talk to someone and take your mind off of all of the bad stuff was a huge help. A really fantastic dinner didn't hurt things one bit either! I had to work tomorrow so I had to do my thing. I told my mom thanks for everything again and told her I was heading to bed. One more hug and a kiss on the cheek and  "sweet dreams" which I hadn't heard in quite some time. That line will never get old. Off to shower, then bed. My day ended on a really positive note. There's not too much more I could ask for to be honest. I could see things a bit more clearly now. My thoughts weren't so jumbled. The old me was in there ready to come back out. I needed to look ahead and not behind .Dwelling on the past will never get you where you want in the future. I think this to myelf as I drift off to sleep with my lovely music on. I think I actually fell asleep with a smile on my face. Today was overall, a good day. Sweet dreams indeed.