It Takes Time

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by oaet_meal

by oaet_meal

-June 21, 2019-
I had never been called beautiful.
It was always,
"Wow! She's so pretty!"
Or
"Aw, you're cute."
Sometimes I think about these things and I know they're all different words with the relative same meanings. However, when you struggle with self love, it feels a little different.
Looking in the mirror, I'd point out everything I hated about myself.

My eyes are too small!
My nose is weird!
My face is too round!
My lips aren't full enough!

Time and time again, I'd do this. Feeling a little bit worse as time went on. My friends at the time would receive compliments - "stunning", "beautiful".

I'd always think to myself,
"Why doesn't that happen to me?"
A compliment does not prove one's self worth. I knew that. Yet, I still wondered why I wasn't as good to hear such things.

In past relationships, it'd be the same thing.
"Cute"
"Pretty"
I'd watch as they'd share pictures of beautiful girls, fictional characters even, and listened when they spoke of me in comparison.

This led me to believe that I was not good enough. I was not beautiful. I'd cry and hate myself for not being what my partner of the time really wanted. I'd change myself to appeal to people. Cut my hair and change my clothes if that's what they wanted. Morph to a certain stereotype just to feel wanted again. Each time I did this, I lost myself a little more. I had gotten so caught up in trying to fit in, dying to be loved, that I no longer knew who I really wanted to be.

I'm a little older now. A little more wise. I know that I am beautiful. I do not point out my least favorite parts as much but I still have those days where I do. I don't need to change or receive a compliment to feel good about myself. I surrounded myself with better people. I'm on the right path to loving myself.

Nowadays, I hear how beautiful I am from my boyfriend. The first guy to call me such a thing. I don't know if he knows it or not, but it means a lot to me.

Song of the Day: "Youth" - Rook1e x j'san