Guilt (KiriBaku)

Punish Me

Okey this chapter addresses some heavy shit, so read at your own discretion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pit- pat, pit-pat

Bakugou looked up from his phone at the window of Kirishima's room. He waited for the redhead to return from a snack run.

Patter patter

The constant tap of rain on the roof distracted him from his latest thoughts, though not for long.

The smell of mildew reminded the blonde of bitter days, when he constantly abused himself under the guise of "I'll never be good enough if I'm easy on myself".

The most memorable moments were the worst; retching over the toilet in his dorm room, because of him eating supper with his classmates for a school event, then making himself throw it all back up. He had to keep a perfect figure, no matter what the cost. His classmates, like Uraraka and Deku- they always ate how much they needed. Bakugou understood it for Deku, and even for Pink Cheeks, but he didn't need two, three, four plates of food. Hell, he didn't need a whole plate. Half was okay, and that was all he'd have.

Bakugou would stuff himself with food and leave the room. When asked why, all he would say was "I don't feel like hanging out with you losers", and departed with the food he thought he needed. When he got back to his room, there anyone could find him, the pathetic third-year Bakugou Katsuki, vomiting his guts out for the sake of figure. In his first year, Bakugou was one of the fittest of the students, consuming up to three plates of food per meal. He needed it then, but not anymore.

Slowly and surely, then rapidly and concerning. Bakugou's physical well-being had been lacking, and the facade he provided was fading as fast as his strength. By his third year, Bakugou was on the smaller side. Though he was being teased for being smaller than the ones he used to look down upon, he knew that his peers meant nothing by it. If only they had known the reasoning behind it.

He made stupid choices. Bakugou, with all his pride, could admit that. Constantly, he trapped himself in a never-ending spiral of self hate, and the logic he used to justify being so harmful to his own body was that he deserved "punishment" for not being a good enough hero student. His classmates, always questioning him. Always asking how he was or whether he was okay. It was embarrassing. They looked down on him, and Bakugou knew it. Or so he thought.

All of that anger, Bakugou took out on them. That was second year. He was getting better about his attitude from middle school, then it came right back when he had new motivations for being the number one hero. What they were, Bakugou had no clue now. All he could tell anyone was that he had been a naive, petulant person. With a bitter thought in those reflections, Bakugou had said that they were all right. His classmates, his teachers, anyone who ever talked to him. The projection of his fears on others. Bakugou had long since come to the realization that he was a textbook definition bully.

How was he to change that?

When he was younger, the only idea of "Be strong, be the best.' went through his impressionable mind. His mother had always said that to him. He was punished for being too weak to defend himself when he was captured by the villains. Even his mother said so, and nobody disagreed with her. Bakugou had to be stronger. He had to be the best, even if people resented him for it.

That idea stuck to him for a long, long time. It clouded his thoughts; his tunnel vision always getting the best of him. He was humiliated when he remembered how rabidly he behaved at the sports festival, and he could only guess how the others felt about him. There was no excuse for his actions, yet Bakugou knew that he would attempt to make them anyway. Each and every one was stupid.