Missing him was... || Jesper "Zven" Svenningsen

Chapter 14: Ignorance

The kiss happened so sudden and quick, I didn't have any chance to react or dodge. But to my surprise, when his lips touched mine, I didn't flinch back. Actually, I really enjoyed it and I craved more. After we finally parted our lips, I couldn't think properly anymore. Why in the world would he do that?

"Don't be so quiet, I need to know what this is." Luka looked at me desperately, his glance demanding an answer by me.

"You weren't in the position to do this," I mumbled quietly.

"You could've backed off. You could've said that I should stop. But you didn't." He concluded calmly and I felt my face heating up.

He was right. I would be lying if I said that this kiss left me untouched. Because it did feel good to have his lips on mine, otherwise, I wouldn't have continued it.

I didn't know what to say in defense so I helplessly pressed my lips together and shrugged with my shoulders as an apology for my lack of reaction.

"I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. Everything happened so fast and I don't how to respond to all of this."

Surprisingly, Luka comfortingly put his hand on my shoulder. I had expected him to be disappointed by my reaction because he wanted to be more than friends.

"May, listen." He said with a gentle voice instead. "I didn't kiss you because I thought I'd be able to convince you to be with me. But I needed you to know that my feelings for you are genuine and I still feel shitty for all the horrible things I did to you. And if I now crossed a line and you feel like we can't stay friends anymore, I just want you to know that this was worth the risk. Because I rather try to make a move instead of never doing anything and regretting it later."

My heart was hurting at the sight of his statue. Unlike before he didn't look like the confident and cocky asshole I always used to see in him. Right now he looked like a simple boy who desperately waited for a reciprocation of his feelings after getting denied the first time. And while I couldn't deny the fact that I was at least a bit attracted to him, something inside me still hesitated to take the next step. After all, I knew that it would be scandalous to agree to be with him just after I finished playing in this split. I could already imagine the number of rumors and gossip going around and I definitely wasn't ready to deal with that. And then there was Jesper. Although I noticed that I thought about him less over the weeks, on some days he still haunted in my mind.

The more it hurt to reject him one more time which made it even harder to speak it out loud.

"Shit Luka... I don't care about what you did anymore, I forgave you a long time ago, you're one of the only persons who stood by me the whole time. Believe me after everything that happened I really want this. I can feel that you're serious with me just by the fact that after all, you still want to be with me even though we went through so much shit together. But it wouldn't be fair to say yes because I can't give you what you deserve. I'm afraid that I'll use you as a replacement to fix the deep hole Jesper caused in me. You deserve someone much better than me." As soon as I spoke my answer out loud, I could see Luka's facial expression changing to a disappointed one. I never saw him like that before, the hopeful expression he had on literally faded away, not knowing what to say.

"I know I promised you that I just needed time. But your patience with me just showed me how selfish I'm actually am and first I need to get myself together again. And think about the things people will say when they'd find out about us. We are still at the beginning of our careers and this is not worth harming our career. I'm so sorry, I wish I could give you another answer, but I can't be what you want."

The more I tried to justify myself, the more uncomfortable I felt and him not commenting at all made me crazy. Instead, he only listened to everything patiently and glanced at me with a neutral expression.