Forgetting Hogwarts

5. Renaissance and birth

And my life started again. Like before.

Simple, quiet. My family, the Ministry. A normal man, in a normal life.

I struggled every day, every hour. Everything is clear and clear again.

Just a little vague at times. Just a shudder, that I hunt fast.

This impression of having a weight on the heart, and I do not know why. I'm not looking elsewhere.

But other than that, it's okay.

Ginny and I never spoke again this weekend, and Albus did not see Skorpius again. They wrote themselves often, but I did not ask questions, and he did not ask for anything.

Is that why he looks a little sad sometimes? No of course not. He has his brothers and sister, he is happy. Like me...

We are all happy. My dream life with Ginny and the kids.

We went on vacation to Italy, all together, with Hermione and Ron. A burst of joy and carelessness. A necessary parenthesis, where I find my marks. The laughs of the children. Ginny's smile.

Although ... I'm a little behind, all the time, not so relaxed ...

Everything annoys me, tires me. Painting is not my thing, that's all.

The Renaissance ... rebirth of whom, of what? Can we be reborn?

These paintings with these languid women ... the sweetness of Tuscan evenings. The splendid landscapes, the dinners under the trees, the stars, the alcohol, the oblivion.

And then this heat, these people who speak loudly ... why do not I want anything? Ron carries me, tells me that I have aged.

Once, one night, I almost talked to him, told him, but he did not understand. Tell what?

That 20 years ago, at Hogwarts, I had an enemy. Respondent.

That 20 weeks ago this enemy became my lover. Because of some intimate affinities? Or because of a wand?

In any case, it was me who wanted it. And it kills me ...

And since then I've been slowly but surely drifting away from my dream life with Ginny and the kids.

Gray eyes, omnipresent. In the morning, when waking up. At each ray of sun. Every sigh. Often in the day. All the time, in the evening.

And it's me who wanted it.

I do not think about it, but it's there, all the time, in me. A shadow on my life.

Then we went back to London, I went back to work, and it faded. Everything is back to normal, or almost. I forgot Hogwarts and its aftermath.

Why do I feel that a gap has widened between Ginny and me? Because she does not console me anymore, at night, when I wake up sweaty?

Why this look, sometimes, in the morning? Is she tired of my nightmares?

It is true that I sleep badly, more and more badly. Dreams follow one another, and it all revolves around Hogwarts. Always. It's silly.

But luckily I forget my dreams instantly. Alcohol and sleeping pills help me to stay on course.

What course?

Some mornings, my mirror sends me a strange image: who is this man with a tired face, a dull look?

What is eating me? I have everything to be happy. I am happy.

Just a little tired.

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