Stay • Everlark (REVAMPING)

11. who knows

I want to laugh out loud at the question but that would be insensitive. The thought of being with Gale now makes me shudder, we never would've worked. I don't not like him, he'll always hold a place within me. But I can't look at him without the bomb and the possibility that he made it.

"Of course I wouldn't. It's you, Peeta. I realised that a long time ago. Never forgot that." I reply, not breaking eye contact. I mean every word.

"I'm sorry for asking you that. I know you'd never leave. The nightmares have just been getting to me." He says, caressing my face and walking behind me to the counter.

"You have nightmares? You should tell me." I whisper, thinking about how long it takes to calm me down.

"Don't worry about me. I'm okay once I realise you're here." He replies, making my heart ache. "I'll tell you next time."

That's why he was awake before me. Peeta almost always waits for me to wake up.

"Promise me?"

"I promise you." Peeta says, lifting me off the ground onto the counter.

"I hate how small I am." I admit, being 5'5" isn't exactly the best.

"I happen to enjoy your smallness." Peeta says, smiling at me brightly.

"Shut up, you're 5'10" and I could still take you." I mutter

"I happen to have grown an inch, actually. Maybe you could, but I'm still taller." He retorts. Making the corners of my lips go up into a smile.

"Okay." I reply, not wanting to inflate my own growing ego. "Fine."

"Letting me win?" He says. "I never thought I'd see the day."

I was completely unprepared when Peeta leaned in to kiss me. You'd think after after all the time I've spent with Peeta - watching him laugh, talk and smile - that I'd get used to the sensation of his lips on my own. Every kiss is different from the next one, but the hunger is always there.

The kiss is sincere but enough to make my body tingle. It's his way of a thank you for caring. Intoxicating in a very strange way that makes me feel weird. I have to admit, I want to keep kissing him, but I'm not ready to go that far. The thought is so amusing that I find myself laughing - parting from Peeta's lips to just laugh myself to all the way to tears.

"What's funny?" Peeta asks, who starts to smile at my giddiness.

"I don't know. I'm guess I'm just happy." I say, enjoying the good feeling that I haven't felt in so long.
I haven't felt this happy in years.

It's all part of the process of
letting go.

Of what you might be wondering?

I'm letting go of the old Katniss. I'm slowly letting myself be free of all the grief and the guilt. Healing. Prim made me feel like this, she's trying to tell me to let myself be free. One last message from the little duck herself.

"And why's that?" Peeta questions, still smiling along.

"We have our whole lives to ourselves. We can do what we want. We could get married or something and no one would question it. Okay, maybe they would but it would be on our own terms. Just because we want to."  I giggle.

Peeta has a look in his eye that glistens with something I can't place my finger on. Like relief, or confirmation. What's going on in that head of his?

"Would you want that?" Peeta says. The glistening in his eyes getting brighter.

"To get married? Maybe. I never used to want to get married. But who knows what could happen, right?" I answer. Marriage scares the living crap out of me, but one day I'd like to do it, to feel special.

Having a baby? God No. But in the back of my head, there's a small chance that maybe one day it could happen. Maybe.

Let's just say I quickly dismissed the thought. I can't bring a baby into this world, going through as much pain as I have.

"Right." Peeta replies, smiling intently. "Who knows?"

The glisten in his eyes, it doesn't go away for the rest of the day. When I come back from hunting it's still there. When Haymitch comes, it's still there. Both of them have it. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. I'm sure of it. But the thought still doesn't leave my mind, what do they know that I don't?