Shawn M

I'm not like them

„No, I swear I'm as sober as ever." Shawn defends, running his large fingers through his thick curls. "I just noticed that you are kinda uncomfortable, therefore I'm gonna take you with me now." He adds confidently and without another word he slips his hand into mine, pulling me after him gently.

„Was it so obvious?" I question, slightly embarrassed but Shawn only lets out a laugh as he turns his head to look at me. "Only a bit." He mocks as we wander down the hall of the huge house of a friend of his.

„Why though? Has someone been rude to you?" Shawn asks, giving my hand a little squeeze which makes me realize that I'm still holding onto his. Not wanting to give him false signals, I quickly pull it away and cross my arms in front of my chest.

In the corner or my eyes, I could see that he is a bit surprised by my sudden action but luckily he shrugs it off.

„Not at all. It's... a bit complicated and personal. Nothing to worry about though." I smile lightly to assured him but he just raises his eyebrow.

„I noticed that something has been bothering you for a longer while now. You can tell me, you know that. I won't judge." Shawn informs and I nod, thankfully but decline anyways. If it was so easy...

How can I tell him that it's my insecurities who make me doubt everything about me everyday, without sounding like these girls who look like goddesses but still claim that they are ugly just because they want attention?

How should I tell him that I have days where I don't even dare to look into the mirror because I don't want to have even more reasons to hate myself, without whining?

And how should I tell Shawn that it's people like him, such talented and seemingly perfect persons, who make me feel so out of place here?

I don't belong into this world but I don't want to seem unthankful for the roles I'm allowed to have in the future.

It's just that... I feel like an alien between all those gorgeous people. Sighing, I shake my head as I notice that I'm starting to sink into my everyday thoughts again. "I can ask someone to get you one, if you want."

„Huh? Sorry, what did you say?" I question, puzzled because I didn't hear him talking. Chuckling lightly he points in front of him, causing me to see that we stopped in front of a whirlpool in the middle of a room with one side of the wall being completely out of huge windows, giving a beautiful view over Toronto.

"I asked if you have a bikini with you or if I should get you one. I thought we could chill in there for a while." Shawn smiles, slowly starting to take off his jacket but I only return the smile nervously.

„Oh... I do have one on already but-." I stop in the middle of my sentence to think of an excuse other than the fact that I'm not confident enough to stand in front of him with only a bikini on. I'm far from looking like the models he sees almost everyday...

What if he is disgusted once he gets a look under these clothes? "But?" He asks, biting the corner of his lower lip in anticipation. Gripping my arms, I try to contain the nervousness that breaks out in me as he steps a bit nearer, still awaiting my answer.

Before I could give him one, he smiles at me sweetly while reaching to grasp my jacket to take it off aswell but instantly I back away.

I can't tell him that I worry about how I look so much... too much. I don't want to sound like these whining girls, who only say that they are ugly so they get to hear the opposite. "I just don't wanna get wet right now." I state, a light laugh escaping me and suddenly Shawn's eyes widen a bit.

Confused, I tilt my head as he makes an 'oh' sound. "Now I get it. You mean you can't because of... well, girl problems. Right?" For a few seconds, I have absolutely no clue what he is referring to but as I realize what he means I have to laugh at his adoringly concerned face.