Tenebris, Vol. I

Happy

- February 20, 2018

You know I wish I'd wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think to myself "Hey I'm happy!"
Wish I could think of myself and then think about life and ponder it all without getting snappy
And it's a shame I get hurt by the ones I love most
But that's just how life is, oh

I guess if you have my heart, then you can crush it faster
Sure you can make me pissed, but you can also make me happier?
​​​​​​I used to struggle with dark thoughts, but I finally talked to my pastor
But you know what?
​​​​​He told me
I should be
Happy
With the way I am with the way I see
Everything in life which is kinda confusing when you know you're a bastard.

I wish I could be happy with life
I wish I could be happy with me
I wish I could look in the mirror and see
Someone else looking back at me
I overreact, I'm overprotective
I'd say I'm a let down, but that's not being objective
I guess I don't care now, I know how you see yourself
But how can I love someone else if I can't even love myself?
Guess that's where my logic falls apart, isn't it
I wish you were happy but I can't see me gettin' there
I say that I'm doing great but I'm not really feeling it
But who knows?
Who cares?
I'll probably never get to that happy somewhere.

See, you don't really know what I think, do you?
You say one thing one minute, then change your tune
Can't you see what you're doin' to me?
Can't you see I'm not immune?
Make me smile, make me frown
Make me laugh, make me cry
Give me a hug, push me aside
Tell me you love me, but keep me outside
Do you want to watch me scream
Watch me bleed?
Well I guess you'll succeed
What's that, you say I promised?
So did you and you saw where that got us.

What I'm trying to say here is you don't seem to care no more
And I guess if you don't, then why should I?
I should have been gone long before
But I kept hope cause of how you made me feel
You made me think maybe this feeling is real
But I guess that was too good a thought right
All good things gotta end
And now that this over I realized so am I
I couldn't do this then, and I can't tonight
I'd say goodbye but we don't seem to speak now
I'd say you didn't hurt me, looking back in hindsight
But we both know that's a lie, now I'm just too uptight.

I can't decide if I should scream or cry
Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get the courage to die
I tried the first two but no tears fell
No sound came out
Is this my hell?
See you kept telling me
That I should be
A little more happy.
And I kept giving you smiles
Kept putting on masks
With the lies I sang,
Should’ve earned a Grammy
But what you never saw was
Without you there can be no happy.