We've all got these trauma brains now, brains that developed with less love than we needed, crap food and violence. We've all got these short attention spans and the need to pull people close only to push them away when things get hard.
It's that urge to run, that fear of trust, that uncomfortableness with nurturing love - addicted to the dysfunction and rejecting the cure. It takes a bravery to let it in, to allow the self to be loved by another.
I think to let it be solid, lasting, good, I need to love me too and that's been so brutally hard. And they say you gotta have someone else love you first, so ain't that a vicious cycle?
So, yeah, I've been bad. I pushed you away. I made up reasons for stuff you did and believed them, as if you ever could have had a mean intention, that was never you. So our breakup, my coldness, my spite... it's bad wiring I'm fighting. At least now I know, at least there's a chance for something better.
So, I can say hand on heart I deserve this, that I have throughly earned your distain, but you wanna be my friend? Because I wanna learn how to be yours. If I help, if I'm kind I might start to like myself and that would be a start to something better.
As I was sitting in Derek's truck he asked, “Sweetheart, you okay?” he leaned over the bench his hand giving your thigh a squeeze.
“It’s too bright, what time is it?”
“One am.” Tanner sighed stretching out in the front seat, his joints cracking and popping. “I’ll get us some rooms.” The passenger door opened Tanner got out slamming the door shut, rocking the truck.
“Eugh.” Blinking into the darkness you tried to smile at Derek.
“How do you do it?” he asked.
“How do I do what?”
"Pretend to be okay." He said.
"I'm not pretending."
“Yes you are, every single day. And it breaks my heart.” he said.
"Because I can’t go to anyone for help. Because I'm used to my brain taking a stick and beating me to a pulp. My self confidence is wheezing and hacking in the corner. It’s suffocating. I don’t know how to set it free. Because I see the person that I want to be everyday. Because I hold on to hope that one day I will be her. I hope that everyday I get a little bit closer. I am the only thing holding myself back. I’m sorry to hurt you in the meantime…"
YOU ARE READING
Angels Of Hope
RomanceLettie was a troubled mother that moved hallway across the United States with the help of her best friend, Tanner Rodriguez. She was abused by her husband, Jace. When her kids moved to Fayetteville NC she meet two people, Alexis and Derek. She start...
