A Dreamers Dream

Well damn. Dublin, Ireland.

Thankfully when I reach the gym, already covered in a light sheen of sweat thanks to running down thirty-odd flights of stairs, it's empty. Not many people wanting to work out at five in the morning on a Tuesday in Dublin I guess, I think gratefully as I make my way to the nearest treadmill and program a long run. I tie a bandanna roughly around my forehead, shove my water bottle into the holder and my earphones in, and hit play on my workout playlist. Which currently consists of a load of songs the label and some 'friends' in the industry have sent me to listen to. More than likely hoping I'll give them a shout out on Twitter if I take a shine to any of them. Cos I'm such a prolific tweeter after all. Insert sarcasm here.

I feel the treadmill starting to rise beneath my feet as I reach the first incline on the program and an image of Maddie's tear-stained face swims before my eyes. I feel my heart start to beat a little faster, and not just from the exercise. How could anyone look into those big wide eyes of hers that are the colour of the clearest tropical ocean or the bluest sky, and want to cause her pain?

Shit. I shouldn't be thinking about her like this. Or anyone for that matter, I'm less than halfway through a world tour for god's sake! I need to be focusing on putting on the best shows I can each and every night. Ensuring that every fan that pays their hard-earned money to travel god knows how far to see me, has the best time that they possibly can.

I should probably think about maybe starting to write a few songs for the next album too. Perhaps I can get Mitch into a writing session when we get to Australia. I've got a thousand things I should be doing pretty much every minute of every day, I am not supposed to be spending my time getting all worked up over a girl I barely know.

There was something so right though about holding her in my arms tonight. When she finally let me comfort her, and I felt her body give way and sink into mine. Her lengthy hair tickling my chin as she tucked her head beneath it and burrowed into my chest. When she pulled away from me, I had the weirdest feeling. Like, like someone had taken away my guitar in the middle of a show, or turned off my microphone mid-song. I felt, incomplete somehow, even though, before I hugged her, I hadn't realised that I was missing anything. I've not felt that in such a long time, nor did I feel it previously when I've hugged her before. So what changed?

I try and focus on the song blaring in my ears, some rap track that I've not heard before. Listening intently to each and every single lyric and trying to memorise as many as I can. So that, by the end, I can sing along with the chorus at least.

Still, it doesn't help rid my mind of the images that insist on popping up every two seconds, Maddie looking so very scared and small when I walked towards her in her hallway, shrinking back from me the way that she did. I don't ever want to feel that feeling again, the thought of her being scared of me... I can't stand it! Her cradling her injured hand against her chest after she aggravated it trying to take her boots off. The faraway stare as she recounted the events from Thursday, never looking at me once the entire time, even though I asked questions and tried to get her attention.

The images flash through my mind one after another as I continue to run, sweat pouring down my back.

Thankfully we did manage to have a little bit of lightness this evening on top of all the heavy, once I got her chatting about the next leg of the tour, she seemed to relax a bit. She looked genuinely excited to be heading to the other side of the world.

She told me she's never travelled so far before and is a bit concerned about the long flight, which gave me an idea. I need to have a chat with Jeff about it first really, but I'm thinking I might invite Maddie to fly over with us instead of with the rest of the crew. It would give us some more time to spend together for one, just as friends of course! But also, I think it might just be less pressure for her not to have to travel in economy with the rest of the crew for her first long-haul flight when she's so fragile.

I really didn't like her ideas about leaving the tour early. Regardless of my feelings for her. I know its an excellent opportunity that doesn't come around too often, so anything I can do to convince her to stay, I'm damn well gonna do. I know the crew are heading over a day before us so that they can get on top of their jet lag and the time difference and get started early setting up the first show in Perth, so I need to make sure that I'm not going to be causing trouble or looking like I'm giving her special treatment by having her fly a day later with the rest of the band and me.

I picture the look in her eyes when I was leaving, and she pulled back from hugging me, and resolve to talk to Jeff later today after I've made my calls about Novak. I think it's a look I'll remember for a while, the darkness in her eyes had lifted somewhat whilst I'd been with her. Maddie had a little more colour back in her cheeks, she gave me the most amazing smile when she said goodnight and I noticed that one of her front teeth is slightly crooked, but she didn't look any less beautiful for it.

Argh! I need to stop thinking like this! The last thing she needs right now is me making a move on her. Not to mention that would be so massively inappropriate. She works for me, after all. And she's just been through hell, and it took days, and me cornering Sammy and sneaking off up to her room for her to even speak to me at all! What she needs right now is a friend. Not another idiot hitting on her.

And so I resolve myself to be exactly that. Just like I told her. I'll be her friend. We'll hang out,
watch movies, get to know each other. Maybe I'll see if she wants to come and work out with me next time. I'd like to try and teach her a bit more self-defence than just shoving her knee into some guys bollocks, not that it wasn't effective. But I do wish she'd not injured herself in the process, that will have to wait until her hand has adequately healed I reckon though.

Friends. Yep. I can do that. I think. As another image of Maddie floats before me, this time of her giving Clark a full death glare in the bar in Manchester last week when he stuck the microphone into her face for her to sing the female lines in that Meatloaf track he was doing at karaoke. Her voice rings through my ears as though she's standing right next to me. I feel goosebumps rise on the back of my neck at the memory of her pitch-perfect performance and sensual tone. The emotion that she exuded with every single word she sang...

Fuck it Styles. You're well and truly screwed. I think to myself and turn up the volume on the next track, put my head down, and just keep running.