Inspiration in Words

A Single Smile

~~~This was a very emotionally hard thing for me to write. Dedicated to my cousin the one I wish i could have saved. I dont care if anyone likes this or thinks it sappy but it helped me put my mind to rest... read it... it might change the way you think

I nervously woke with fear in the day. Fear for what I promised to endure. My life was tripping and scatterings in the depths of dread. The wrong life ended a year from today.  

Maneuvering out of my everyday routine. The wind of deathful memories circling around me, just darkness in my one bedroom apartment. I stumbled out of my bed and travel to find my robe and leather slippers. I could hear the muffled angry voices of my next door neighbors most likely arguing again. I did something I hadn't done for a while, I washed the three days of depression off my shrunken self. I'm already backing into my self absorbed ways. She would have never approved in this act of self pity. Me, Adam, now the 23 year old man that no one understood, until that fateful day.  

Sulking through the halls of Oak Wood High School back in 2000 was a cheerless time for me. Nobody looked at me and no one cared whether I was in class or not. I was alone. I thought about the unthinkable many times. I decided today was the day to end it all. It would solve all my unimportant problems. How my mom always hit me and said I was useless or how my grades were said to be beyond fixable. "He is hopeless case." "I don't know why I waste my time on him." I would hear the counselors whisper. I honestly believed them too. I made a plan to wait until after school to end my life.  

I just wished and hoped someone would take the time to ask me to stop. It was 8th hour almost the end of everything. I was getting up to leave the classroom and go home, but I tripped on some girls books and flew onto the hard tiled floor. I had tears in my eyes as I collected my books. People's wild laughter was swirling all around me. It was too much for me, but this girl came up to me and helped me pick up my books. She was one of those popular girls with all the friends and all the love at home in the world. I got up and straightened out my long gangly body. She smiled, a railroad tract smile not too straight but not disgustingly crooked either, and handed me my history and biology books. I'll always remember what she said. "They are a bunch of jerks. Don't mind them. Are you ok?" She could see I had a glisten in my eyes. I never answered her. I could tell that she knew. I wasn't ok.  

We stood for there for awhile.  

"My name is Gwen. I know yours is Adam," Gwen explained.  

"umm...ahhh." I stuttered. It was weird. I thought that nobody knew who I was. For once I felt known. We talked for a while and realized that we had a lot more in common than we originally thought. We loved video games, we both had a secret love for roller skating and best of all we were always craving Panera Bread. I felt that she would have never had confess those things to her other friends. We ended up hanging out after school I ultimately forgot all about what I planned to do that day. The rest of my cheerful high school career, I knew this is what a true friendship was. I never looked at her as a girlfriend only that she was a girl who saved me from myself.  

Her other friends never understood it. I would over hear them talking among their sneering beautiful faces: "Why is this thing sitting here?", "I can't believe he has the nerve to sit here," "I didn't know Gwen was that nice." They never really confronted her on why this loser was sitting with them at lunch or why we were inseparable. She was too nice, it was hard for anyone to be mean or blunt to her. One day she confessed she was a Christian; she never threw her beliefs on me. The one goal in her life was just to show Christ like kindness. I decided to do the same to save people like me.  

I turned off the shower with those memories stuck in my head. I dressed in a black shirt, blazer and pants. I ventured a look in the 15 year old refrigerator and sighed, nothing but a disgusting jar of mayo and a three day old turkey sandwich. My stomach was in protest. No appetite. Not today.  

I grabbed my keys looked up at the square stove clock it was 11:00 time to leave. I had to be there on time at precisely 12:46. I promised. As I went down the stairs I saw Mrs. Clark struggling and helped her with her groceries. We entered her craftily decorated apartment.  

"Thank you Adam, how are you feeling today dear?" Mrs. Clark asked while taking the carrots out of her many bags.  

"I'm going to go visit her today..." I said vaguely I knew that she understood. I explained my situation to Mrs. Clark a few times in the past year. Mrs. Clark reminded me of the Grandma I never had.  

She just smiled, a sad knowing smile and glanced at me and continued, "Well, Hun I guess you should be on your way..." Mrs. Clark dug in the never ending bag and pulled out a bunch of daisies like a magician and continued, "Here take these daisies." I did and thanked her and said good bye. I slide down the 32 stairs. I just wanted to get there and leave like pulling off a band aid. As I slide into my red Volvo I thought of the day Gwen left me.  

We were driving around; it was our last day together before she would leave to go to Africa on a missionary thing. I never really knew why she wanted to go I just kind of assumed it was one of those churchly duties.  

"So should I even ask where we are going out to eat?" I asked sarcastically.  

"Oh, I don't know I'm feelin' Panera bread..." Gwen laughed.  

Soon I was laughing too, just enjoying her care free nature. "Well, I plan on finishing college soon. I finally realized I want to be counselor." I said proudly.  

"Adam that's fantastic! You are such an understanding person."  

Gwen genuinely meant it. I wanted kids to realize someone did care about them.  

After that it was quiet.  

A good quiet not awkward at all. I then explained something to her that I thought she should know: "Gwen, thank you for saving me." She looked at me and nodded not quite understanding why I was thanking her. I continued, "You know the day we met. I fell on the floor and you helped pick up my books... Well, I was about to go and end my life. You saved me by showing you cared about me." The car stopped in the parking lot in Panera Bread our favorite place to eat. Gwen just started to tear up. I couldn't understand why, was my story that touching or did she have dust in her earnest blue eyes. Gwen then confessed how she prayed that very day that she could save a life one day. She said I had fulfilled her most important life accomplishment.  

In a commotion of squealing tires, adrenaline and screams it ended. I woke to find myself in a hospital bed covered in bandages. Gwen never survived. A Ford pickup truck had smashed into the side of where we were parked. He was going way to over the speed limit. I was released to go home a few days later. I missed the funeral. The anguish was too life altering. My life felt unfulfilled and I swore next year I would visit her by myself. It was always like that just Gwen and me. Half of me seemed to be buried underground.  

Driving past where it happened and I just blink in unconscious fear. The Volvo pulls up to the cemetery where my friend lay at for one long year. I wish I was at rest for once. I stop the car and grab the daisies. Her lovely beautiful daisies I know she'll love them.  

When I finally approach the grave stone that was in inscribed: "Gwendolyn Dreskisika A loving daughter, niece, cousin, and friend" I place the flowers on the manicured head stone. I kneel and trace the letters FRIEND and finally weep. I scream "WHY!" so loud I want God to hear. Then I hear her lullaby like words stream through my never ending tears, "You have fulfilled my greatest accomplishment in life." Then I start to be overwhelmed by her warmth. It was peace. I turn and lean my head against her name and breathe my words, "Thank you for saving my life and your welcome in helping you complete yours."  

Some might take this as a sappy religious story but her religion didn't matter to me. It was the genuine love she showed willingly. People have a choice to change the course of one's life in a random act of unexplained kindness. She was like rays of sun in a long winter day. Out of place and strange yet, perfect. She melted away the icicles of hurt, hopelessness and worthlessness when she smiled her railroad tract smile.