The Dog Days of Summer

2

I didn't deserve Chulo. I mean that in all honesty and sincerity.

He was willing to give me all this affection knowing that I didn't feel the same. He hugged me so tenderly and complimented me modestly. He waited for me before or after class, regardless if it meant he would be late to his. He was just too good.

But there were certain things that bugged me when he tried to get physical, nothing sexual, just physical.

I hate PDA. Whatever, try to justify your reasons. I just feel like no one should have to see me in that vulnerable state except my significant other in private. It doesn't mean I don't like/love them, it just means I'd rather remain neutral in public. It's kind of cringe to me.

I'm sorry. Fuck. 

I hate that I get tired of people so easily. I see all these movies with handsome boys with great personalities that end up falling in love with weird unpopular girls. Take Peter Kavinsky, every girl wants a Peter in their life. But not me.

I wanted a Cry-baby Walker. I wanted Tyler Durden. Fucking J.D from the Heathers. I don't know. Maybe Carl Gallagher. Boys who don't have to try so hard to be cool. Boys who don't give a fuck about what others have to say about them. They just vibe. Maybe I just romanticized a toxic life with emotional issues. I told you I was fucking weird. 

Judge me. Judge my taste in men. 

I like the boys I can't get, it's the same reason why boys like me. The more and more someone wants me, the least I want them. I hope that made sense, I have no other way to put it. I can't even figure myself out sometimes. I don't know what I want. I can't explain it enough.

Ahem. The audience is waiting.

I started to distance myself, seem more cold and uninterested. But there he remained, outside my classes, along the sidelines on the soccer field, seated at my favorite lunch table.

I even started being a little gross around him. I remember when I was sick I wiped my nose on my sleeve, leaving a trail of slimy snot, and he simply took out wet wipes from his backpack and cleaned my sleeve for me. 

I was in awe. Don't make me think too hard about this, I'll dwell on it for another lifetime. 

I just wanted him to get bored of me or something. I wanted him to be the one to hurt me, that way I didn't have to feel as if I took a loss by turning him down. I rather have boys completely cut me off than for me to beg for them back after rejecting them. Then I would look pathetic, no thanks. I prefer to suffer in pain. Take the L in private rather than ask for forgiveness. 

In the end, I'm protecting the both of us. 

It's so weird. All the boys that's ever liked me for me, I get tired of. All the boys that just want to use me and hurt me, get tired of me. So it's either I leave the nice boy or the asshole leaves me. Now do you get it? No.

Break hearts or be heartbroken. 

Lesson 10: Lead with love.