Never Alone

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Isabella leaned against the post box for a while, considering if what she was thinking was actually completely ludicrous, and if the stress of the world had finally forced her to lose it. But then she thought again, and decided that this was the right thing to do. Fate had delt her the worst cards he possibly could have done, and it was time to make her move. And yes, it was a risky one that could end in a number of horrific endings. But it felt right. She wanted to set out a better future for people like herself, build a world where there wouldn't be a need for security guards in schools. Construct a place where people didn't fear for their lives when they entered a school building. Or any building, for that matter.

No. This was right. This was the right choice. 

The harder choice?

 Yes. 

But the right one.

For her.

Dear Mum,

It's always weird writing these letters because I never know when you'll receive them. You could read this months after I wrote it, maybe so much later that what I wrote to you about isn't even relevant any more. And that probably is the case, most of the time. But I don't think you mind, do you? I know that I always like to hear from you, no matter how overdue the letters are. It's kind of like a reassurance that I still have a mum because, without you here all the time, it's easy to forget that sometimes, especially now that dad's not around to remind me anymore. 

But letters like these are all the reminder I need, just to know that you're still here. Out there in the world somewhere. Hopefully thinking of me as much as I think of you. And I say thinking and not missing, because missing is unhealthy and unproductive. By missing, you constantly think of that person in a sad and almost empty way, always waiting for that person to come back once more. But thinking is different. Happier. It's like planning for all the great things that could happen once they returned and thinking of all the great things they're doing right now.

I do miss you sometimes, though.

But I guess that's only natural.

Usually, I wouldn't have anything interesting to tell you about, because I've purposefully been keeping things boring down this end for a while. I guess I just needed a little break from the world for a bit, so I could find my faith again. I don't know how you do it sometimes. You see the horrors of humanity first hand, and you still manage to live your life with a bright smile and a positive attitude. It's amazing, it really is. But I'm beginning to understand how you cope with all of it. I guess we just have to acknowledge that the world has dark shadows as well as bright lights, and that light can't exist without shadow. And shadow can't exist without light. But we have to keep looking for the light, or else we'll be constantly stuck in shadow. Because getting out of a dark place is impossible without moving. And now I'm ready to move, in the metaphorical sense.

I was so caught up in seeing the world as horrible and terrifying that I didn't stop to see everything else. Like the way the beautiful lights of London light up at night. Or the receptionist down in the lobby who always waves at me when I pass her in the mornings. Or the way the sky is never just one colour. Or how clouds often form really weird, hilarious shapes. It's the simple things, really. But I had forgotten them. And it feels good to see them again. And it makes me want to start photographing things again, but in a different way this time. To capture both the beauty and the tragedy, because seeing the world as all beautiful only leads to a harsh fall down to reality, as I discovered. 

So I guess it's better to view the world as a human. Little bit of good. Little bit of evil. But mixed together to create something whole and real, because I don't think something can be realistic without a few flaws, now I really think about it. It wouldn't make sense. If the whole world was good, the people in it would be flawless. And flaws are what make us all unique. I think being flawless is a flaw in itself. So, yes, the world is a terrifying place sometimes. But tragedy doesn't always have to drive people apart. It can bring people together. And that's what I'm beginning to discover. So, maybe, the guy who created the world gave us free will so we would be free to make mistakes. So that we could learn from them together, as humanity, and unite together. Because the world is a big place, and the sad news is what spreads the fastest. And it's that sad news that brings people together, I think. It's the sad news that inspires us to become better people so that the news has no reason to be sad anymore.

And, after realising this, I see that what I went through doesn't have to be something that I move on from. It can be something that I pick up and take with me, as a good thing. I can use the experience I have to make a difference, to inform others and make a change. Because, in the end, it wasn't the boy with the gun who committed murder, it was the bullets. And it was the bullets that turned him into a murderer in the first place. 

I've thought about this for a while now, and it seems right. I want to speak out about what happened, and give them the real story of Clark. Because he was someone that I loved very much, and the monster he became was not entirely his doing, I understand that now. And I think other people should know too. Because there are victims on both sides of the gun, and motive is often mistaken with malice. When in reality, it was malice that created the motive.

So I will speak out. Eventually. But I'll start small. Maybe I'll start up a little blog or something, do you think that would be a good idea? 

Write back when you can, 

Love you Lots,

Isabella.