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[29] just friends

I roll my eyes. "I don't care."
                              __________

This may have possibly been the longest day of school ever. No classes flew by. I looked at the clock every five minutes, and it was like it never changed.

Finally, when the last bell rings, I jump up and race to my locker, entering in my code at rapid speed and throwing it open. I have to get out of here.

I'm stopped by the swarms of students filing out the door, drowning in chatter and laughs. High school. What a place.
     
The doors are so close, yet so far. All I want to do is be greeted by the sun.

As soon as I'm out the doors I race to my bus, looking forward to going home and doing nothing.
    __________

"How was your day?" I shove a Capri-Sun and a pack of crackers in my sweatshirt pocket.

"The usual," I say, looking at my mom. She just shakes her head.

"The usual as in...?"

"I went, I learned, I ate, I learned some more, and then I came home again, mom. The usual." She just sighs, a hint of a smile playing at her lips.

"Well, was it a good day?" I shrug.

"Yeah, it was fine. Do we have anything today?"

"No, unless you want to come with me to the bank and the grocery store." I nod and make my way towards the stairs.  "Don't you have homework?"

"Yes, yes I do." She laughs.

"I'm just gonna do nothing for a while. Can you call me down when it's time for dinner?"

"Sure."

I run up the stairs and flop on my bed. Then I pull out my laptop and search YouTube.

Times a wastin'.
                             _________

I'm beginning to realize school is just the same thing over and over again, a whirlwind of classes with things I can't process. Then it's off to the next class. Then the next. Then the next. It doesn't feel different. In the beginning of school I always thought it did, but I'm beginning to see that it's just the same thing.

But I don't want to think about next year. Or the year after that. I want to focus on what I'm doing right now, but I don't want to do it.

I feel like I'm in my own little bubble. I will never go to college. I will never get a job. I will never get married. Because I'm Kendra, and I'm sixteen, and maybe I'll stay sixteen.

Wishful thinking? I don't know.

The bell rings and everyone around me shoots up and runs to the door. I take my time to pack up, knowing I have lunch next so it won't matter if I'm late.

Archer slides into my peripheral vision. I smile. "Hey." He smiles back.

"Hi. Ready?" I nod, sling my bag over my shoulder, and we walk out together, just like we have for the past few months, and will for the rest of the year. Until summer comes. And then it ends. And then we figure out which classes we have together next year, if any. What if I lose him? What if we-

"What are you thinking about?" He breaks the silence, a bit of worry in his tone.

"The future," I say flatly, shrugging. "What's gonna happen?" He shakes his head.

"No one knows, Ken. We've gotta wait for it." I nod and look at him. He's staring at the floor with a look I'm not used to; a look that means he's not telling me something.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask, biting my lip. He looks directly at me, and that's when I know something is wrong, just by the way he's looking at me.

"I just think...things, with us, haven't been serious. Do you still consider us...a thing?" I stare at him and nod, fear building up inside my chest.

"I do. Yeah, I do. Do...do you?" Where is this coming from? Has he been thinking about it? Has he? What?
     
"I don't know," he says, and all I can focus on is what he's saying. I don't feel anything. "I just feel like we jumped into this too fast. I like you. I do. That's not going to change. But we just met a few months ago and then we started dating almost instantly."

"What are you saying?" I feel like I'm watching this from someone else's point of view. Because this is not happening to me.

"I'm not gonna go all cliche on you. I just think we should...be friends? Just friends. For now." He finishes, and I haven't even processed half of it when he's looking at me expectantly.

I nod. I'm numb. I go through the rest of my day. We sit together at lunch. It's mostly silent. We part and then I go to science and math and social studies and art and gym and then I go home. And then I throw my bag on the couch and tell my mom my day was great. I run up the stairs and slam my door shut.

I find it hard to walk so I just slide down against the door, staring at my socks. They never match. They never will.

"Just friends." I repeat softly, my mind blank.

Just friends.

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