Peace and Friendship (Discontinued) (Free! Iwatobi Swim Club Fanfiction)

Feelings and Regret

(Warning: Self-harm is mentioned in this chapter. Also, a few areas may be a little gross.)

Rin's Point of View

I actually have more of a reason to ask this of Makoto. Do you hate me... but, if Haruka had actually decided to avoid me for the rest of my life, I would have fell into a slump. I would fall into another depression. Haruka is just standing there, staring me in the eyes. He hasn't said anything. He continues to avert his gaze out the window and back at me countless times. I'm beginning to get impatient but I have to remain calm...

"Haru... please answer my question. I need to know...", I plead.

"Rin... I don't know what to say. I- I do and I don't..."

I sigh and look out the window again. I won't respond to him yet. He has a right. I hurt someone important to him and Makoto. I'm sure Makoto has been through a bit more of the pain than Haruka because of the past with Mei.

But after I witnessed Mei's past, I too have experienced pain. The pain of regret and torment. My mind had eventually began to think on is own, and I wouldn't do anything. Eat, sleep, step a foot near anyone or anything... I isolated myself from the whole world itself. I hid myself in the dorms basement. No one bothered to look for me because of their hate towards me. I would hurt myself... punch myself in the stomach to make myself hurl. Sometimes choke myself to make myself pass out... Nothing around that place was sharp... so it helped me avoid cutting.

I became very starved and thirsty. I laid there on my side, crying my eyes out, wondering so many things... How mom and Gou must feel... My father looking down and seeing his son becoming a huge nuisance. And even Mei's father and how much he hurt her. Yet, I never thought about death myself.

After a few days, I finally tried to make a appearance to the school again, but no one noticed I was gone except Aiichirou... I had nightmares about Mei's past, what I have done, and what could have happened if I never done what I done. Once, I had a dream about Mei just transferring to Samezuka. She was kind but quiet. I made quick friends with her, and we went from there...

I just wish I can take all of this back.

_______________3 weeks earlier_____________________

After I finished my first day of classes in a few weeks, I didn't want to be seen... I quietly went into the bathroom and hid in one of the stalls. My stomach had been hurting. After I ate lunch alone in the corner to the cafeteria, I felt very sick. Like I would pass out any minute from pain, or throw up what ever I ate.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't keep it down. So right in the bathroom, I jerk upwards a little to hover over the toilet. It all comes out. As disgusting it might have been, I couldn't stop. I barely ate anything at all, but... it kept coming.

When I finish, I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't even stand. I could feel my ribs gorging through my skin. My whole body felt weak and defenseless. The only thing I could think about, is Mei. She is the real reason I am alive. If she died, I wouldn't be here right now. If I killed anyone, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I would have been better off expelled than suspended. No one wants me here...  I'm alone in this world...

________________Present___________________

I wait patiently for Haruka to speak again. He hasn't said a word in over 30 minutes. I have been reorganizing my thoughts in my head as he stands there motionless. Finally, he decides to open his mouth and talk.

"Rin... I only hate you for hurting Mei. If she didn't make it... then I would hate you for the rest of my life. But I don't hate you because you had no idea what has been going on with Mei. She in fact can swim..."

I widen my eyes. "Eh? But... I thought...."

"Makoto figured it out... He knew something didn't seem right about her. She seemed a bit off to her when she came to his house. And eventually, after the incident, Makoto wouldn't say anything. He knew that she could swim. But he didn't know why she didn't defend herself in any way against you. Makoto saw her beat someone up before for bullying Makoto when they were kids. It seems odd but, it is true. Her allowing herself to sink to the bottom of that pool, and not trying to escape the grip I you, wasn't normal. Of course, it all had to do with her father."

All of this comes as a shock to me. Her father being a cause of Mei not trying to defend herself against me, and drowning... I have a thought but... I just have a strange feeling everything isn't adding up in some way.

"Haruka... don't you find it a little weird... that she wouldn't be healed from what ever her father had done to her, a week after it happened. Surely it would have been a little difficult to move but, not so much so to not be able to swim up from a pool. Being weak for one week without anything happening to her physically... don't you find it a little off?"

Haruka stands there and thinks of a few minutes as well as I. If she escaped from her father, then he shouldn't have done anything for a while. And, if it takes a while to actually get to Japan, from America, that also scratches time and allows herself to heal a little. Resting in a plane for more than 12 hours because she flew from the east coast of America... It all just doesn't make sense! But then it hits me... as soon as I realize is, I slowly sit up in my hospital bed and start to cry.

"I... I finally get what she was trying to do..." The words are lumped in my throat. I can't find what to say without sounding dumb or stupid. Haruka probably doesn't know yet... but... if I tell him now... I'm sure he will break down and cry along with me...

A/N: What do you think happened to Mei? Was it really her father? Or something else?