Match 15, 2018
Today is March 15th. It's 11:35 on a Thursday night. A school night. I'm sitting here trying to fall asleep but my mind starts to wander. My mind starts to reflect on itself. Why at this hour? I don't know. My mind started thinking of how I've been sleeping so much lately or am I not getting enough sleep. My mind started thinking about things I didn't know I was thinking about. My mind drifted off to the feelings of January. We didn't like January. This reflection hit me hard, my mind knows what's it doing. My mind reminding me off the deep sadness I know is there, but I pretend it doesn't exist for a while. January didn't like us either. My mind continues to self reflect. My mind telling me wow what a low time for you. Reminding me of; the feeling of self hatred. roller coaster of emotions. I couldn't control them. I still cannot figure out why the hell I was so down. the feeling of not wanting to wake up every day increased to an overwhelming pressure in my chest. Defeated in myself. I didn't care. I'd cried & kept crying to relive what was inside of me. It didn't go away. Sadly my thoughts were numb but clear, I was numb. I came home one day, I believe a Tuesday. Before I arrived home. A school day began. I cried all morning. Until I begged my mom to call and sign me out. I kept crying. I never stopped crying. I didn't want to be here anymore. Not school. Not home. Not in life. My mind reflects how, as I came home I cried. I looked around me and all I did was feel pain. I wanted to destroy everything but I couldn't. I sat myself down. I thought of the ways I could do it. Leave this earth. Would I break into my moms room and take the gun and just do it? Would I take some pain medicine and let me go peacefully. Would I leave little hints to the people I love. So they could reach me in time? To save me. My mind started reflecting on, how after I had those thoughts, all the people I would hurt and cause pain. How selfish it would be. But would it really be? My mind reflects on myself now. How did you make it? I still ask myself the same thing. Because I've been sad but I've never wanted to end my life so badly like I did on that 'I'm pretty sure it was a Tuesday'. I look at myself now, there's a lot of pain still. & sometimes I'm tired of being strong. But somehow I'm still here. & I think I'm okay with that.
