Blue (The Spectrum Series: #3)

Chapter Forty-Four

"Lily?" It's Finn. Something flashes across his warm hazel eyes.

"Finn, it's so good to see you." I smile and move to hug him, but he backs away before I can wrap my arms around him. My smile falters. "What's wrong?"

"We are not okay right now," he says.

"What?" I laugh nervously. "Why not?"

His eyes squint in confusion. "You knew about Evie and Blue messing around, but you didn't tell me."

"It wasn't my secret to tell." I gulp.

"I don't care. She's my little sister and gets into enough trouble already. You know how much I care for her. You should have told me the minute you knew about them, not just keep it to yourself."

"I'm sorry, okay? I thought it was just their business, not mine."

"Yeah, well, she's pregnant now. Which could have been avoided if you'd just told me."

"How do you know Blue was the only guy she was sleeping with?" I regret the words as soon as they come out of my mouth. But it's true. Riley told me how much Riley loved to fool around with guys at parties. Not in a shameful tone, though; it's just a matter-of-fact, but to Finn it sounds like an insult I didn't mean.

"Excuse me?" He gasps. "She is not some sort of slut, Lily. She's a good kid who just doesn't think about the repercussions before she does stuff. That's why I have to look out for her."

"I am so, so sorry. I truly didn't mean it in that way—" I begin to ramble.

He holds up a hand to silence me, hurt flashing in his eyes. "That aside, you didn't tell me about you and Blue."

I knew not telling him would bite me in the butt.

"I know, I should have told you, but I didn't know how to. He was such an ass at first, but then I saw how sweet he could be and—and I fell for him. And I didn't tell you. And I am sorrier than you could now," I say apologetically, pleading with my eyes for him to understand. But he just shakes his head and folds his arms across his chest.

"I thought we were friends, Lily." He sounds so hurt.

I reach for his hand, but he pulls back. "We are, of course we are."

"I don't believe that. You hid your relationship with Blue from me. I'm sure there were plenty of times you could have told me, but you just didn't. I wouldn't have thought of you any differently. You can date whoever you want, even if it's my asshole roommate who was fuck—" He visibly bites his tongue and sighs. "I just didn't think you could do this."

I can barely speak. "Finn, I swear, I regret not telling you."

He stares into my eyes and sighs again. "So do I." Frowning, he brushes past me, continuing down the hall like before I bumped into him.

I finally feel the tears threatening to escape for the past ten minutes fall down my face. My cheeks are flamed, and my shallow breathing is so loud I swear the entire state can hear it. I just lost the two of the most important guys in my life, all because I'm an idiot. I want to crawl inside my skin and turn back the clock. but all I can do is lean against the wall of the empty hallway and slide down to the floor. I sob into my hands, wishing I could turn back the clock and undo my mistakes.

* * *

The rest of the week, the weather mocks my mood. Most days it's so dark you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between the daytime and nighttime. Other days there's too much heavy rain for you to look up and try to distinguish the time of day. Even though it hurts me, I give both Blue and Finn the space they need. I wanted to save Riley from the mess I created, but on the second day of the gloomiest week of my life, she caught onto the tension between all of us sat at the lunchroom table. She pulled me to the side and demanded I tell her everything. And too weak and wanting advice, I filled her in on all the nasty bits. Now she knows how horrible of a girlfriend and friend I am, but she didn't ask for space, which actually shocked me. To help ease the pain of being around them, she stopped going over to their room. I told her she didn't need to, but she protested and assured me things would blow over soon. All I could do was nod and smile, but in my head, I was thinking: I sure do hope so.

I passed Blue a few times on my way to class and in the dorm hallways. The most severe run-in was Thursday, yesterday, in the bathroom. I'd just walked in to take my normal after-run shower at six in the morning, and he was getting out of the shower. He never wakes up before dorm, he once told me, so when I saw him I was so shocked I lost hold of my towel basically flashed him. His eyes grew hooded, but he acted like I wasn't even in the room and walked out. I was so freaking humiliated, I could barely believe it happened. We didn't talk after.

I miss him so much. I never knew someone could miss one person this much. Every time I saw him hanging out in the dorm hallway, leaned against the wall, laughing up a storm, I wanted to stop and have him tell the joke to me. He used to secretly look up corny jokes on google then tell them to me, claiming he came up with them all by himself. I thought it was stupid but incredibly adorable. I adored the initiative to make me laugh since I was a sucker for silly jokes. And the way his eyes closed, and he held his stomach if the joke was stupid enough to make him laugh harder than I ever could. I never thought seeing a person laugh could ever bring me so much happiness.

But now I look up silly jokes and wonder which he'd steal and tell me.

Sighing, I close the google app and look ahead. Dance class just ended and I'm sore from head to toe. It's moments like this I wish the school had baths, showers don't do dancers justice. If I lived in that apartment Blue was talking about, I could take the bus there, and get in a steaming bath; maybe he'd join, and he'd tell me his bad joke for the day. Ugh. We were so good, talking about moving in together. But I just had to go and mess it up, because I couldn't handle pressure. I was such a fool. And now we're probably broken up forever and we won't live together, and I won't hear his jokes, and I won't kiss him while he plays guitar, and I am going to be miserable for as long as he ices me out.

I step in rain puddles and twirl my umbrella, listening to the soothing sound of rain hitting the fabric. I mindlessly scroll through my phone. My heart skips a beat and I stop walking when I notice my voicemail inbox. There are thirty messages, all from him. I hesitate in listening to the first one. But what harm can listening do?

I press down on the first message and continue walking to the dorms.

"Lily? Lily, fucking call me back. Where did you go?"

The next ten are the same, panicked and worried.

"What the fuck? Can you please call me back? Please? I need to know you're safe."

Message fifteen to twenty-nine is annoyed Blue:

"Pick up the fucking phone. I'm worried and annoyed and so very fucking annoyed. Pick. Up. Your. Fucking. Phone."

I roll my eyes, smiling, until I get to thirty:

"I know you've turned off your phone and probably haven't listened to my other messages, but I just needed to remind you how much I love you. It's been a few days by now, right? I can't tell. Time is shit to me, right now. I also called to—uh—to tell you that I miss you, so damn much—" He inhales roughly. "Be safe and dream of me, ballerina. Goodnight."

I lean against the bench behind me, biting down on my tongue to keep the tears at bay. He was so worried about me all last week, and I couldn't answer one of his calls or texts? I was so selfish and wrong, and I need to explain that I just couldn't stay. I needed to go. I needed to be away from the complications and heaviness, or I wouldn't be able to be of any use. I need to find him. Now.

I swipe the tears under my eyes with my thumbs and walk the rest of the way to the glass building. Inside, I shake off mu umbrella and turn to the elevators but stop dead in my tracks when I see Evie and Blue... hugging. My heart breaks at the sigh, because his face is pulled into a sad smile and he's holding her so tightly. It almost feels like I am intruding even though they are in the middle of the lobby. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe he doesn't care enough to want an explanation.

I hang my head and scurry past them, hoping he nor she see me. I hit the floor button and slam my hand against the closing door option. Once I am enclosed in privacy, I break down in my palms against the glass walls. I fucked up so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it.