Anxious || Harry Styles

Chapter Eleven

"I have to tell you something." He says seriously while looking at me. His eyes are an intense green colour that I have a sense it is a very serious topic. I rub his shoulder having a feeling what it is about. 

"You don't have to." I say meaning every word. 

"No, I want to." He gives me a nod of confirmation. I nod too. "I don't want to hide anything from you anymore."

"Okay."

"Could we go to the park?" He asks looking at me with his vulnerable eyes. 

"Of course." 

I drive to the park where I brought Harry before. The ride there was quiet and suspenseful. I could sense Harry is a bit frightened and anxious that he is going to tell me his story and I am nervous to hear what it is. I know it isn't happy and I am just so afraid to hear something horrible that Harry had to go through. It pains me whenever he is in pain. So to give both of us some relief, I place my left hand on Harry's right and stroke my thumb on his skin. He gives me a grateful, small smile and squeezes my hand. 

When we finally reach the park, I park the car on the side of the road and we walk side by side. Feeling the need of Harry's touch, I link my hand in his and give him a reassuring squeeze that also reassures myself. We sit on the bench and I keep Harry's hand locked in mine. I stay silent knowing how hard it must be for him to say something so personal. 

"Okay, I'm ready." Harry says after a few minutes in silence. I nod signalling I am too even though I am so nervous.

"Three years ago, when I lived in Holmes Chapel, I was actually having a good life. I didn't have anxiety, or depression. I had a decent amount of friends, happily living life, I was outgoing and not shy at all. I had four best mates, George, Mike, Ben and Austin. We were always supportive of each other, always joking around and having a good time, never fighting with one another or having any kind of drama between us. But one time I was talking to George about Mike's girlfriend. I said how she looks hot, because she did, and us guys say stuff like that all the time. We comment if a girl is good looking even if it was our friend's girlfriend, but there was no harm to it since we know we wouldn't ever flirt with each other's girlfriends. So one day before school started, I was sitting outside on the bench alone waiting for the guys, and Rose, Mike's girlfriend, came to talk to me. After a few minutes of us talking I heard shouting and I realized it was Mike and he was shouting at me. He was saying how I'm such a dick to be hitting in his girlfriend and he said how George told him I fancy Rose, which was a lie. Rose was trying to defend me but Mike thought she was defending me because she fancies me back. Then Mike punched me and after that I didn't hang out with them ever again. Mike was mad at me and I was angry at George for making up a lie. My two other friends believed my story but they didn't want to be seen with me. I was lonely, had no friends. Then Mike made it to the football team and started hanging out with the jocks of the school and I guess he later told them about the whole situation because they started calling me names. They called me fag, they called me man whore, an ass, a dick. But it made me sadder how Austin and Ben, the friends who believe my story, didn't do anything about it. Over time the bullying got worse. It got so bad that other people who I never even talked to before started saying harsh stuff to me. I got pushed around, then that abuse lead to beatings. Then Mike and his jock friends started telling me to kill myself every time they see me. After two years of that suffering I couldn't handle it anymore. My mum and Gemma knew about the bullying and they tried to do something about it but nothing ever did. One day after school, I got beaten so badly behind the school that I passed out for a good hour. And when I woke up, I limped home. Gemma and my mum were already there and they saw me enter. I ran up the stairs and I remember crying hysterically. I locked myself in my bedroom and started taking as many of my antidepressants as I could. I remember hearing screaming, shouting and crying from the other end of the door but I just kept eating as many pills as I could. I wanted to die. But my mum unlocked my door with a key and grabbed the bottle, throwing it away. I remember screaming and crying, trying to get out of her hold to finish the job. I remember hearing Gemma crying into the phone calling 999. I got rushed to the hospital and managed to survive. They said I was lucky because my mum stopped me before I took more pills, but at the time I didn't think it was luck. After I was released from hospital, I was forced into going to counselling. I was home schooled for all last year and went to therapy every week. Even when I stopped therapy after going for many month, they made me stay home schooled. But even then I was still getting bullied. Mike would come by my house and throw eggs with notes saying horrible things. And because it wasn't getting better with the bullying, my mum decided to move here to London. I was home schooled for the first few months of the school year but my mum thought I should start going to public school again. And those guys that we saw a few days ago, they were the guys that bullied me. Mike and the jocks." Harry stares ahead and let's out a huge, long sigh.

I wipe the tears that managed to fall and use one hand to cover my mouth from omitting sobs. My heart hurts so much. So freaking much. The feeling is so intense. I have never felt this kind if pain since my dad died.

"Harry." A sob comes out when I say his name. After that sob, the rest I have been holding in comes pouring out. I try to stop but with each sob, the next comes out faster.

"Joey." Harry comes out of his trance and looks at me with shock. His eyes are frowning and his own has some tears puddled in them. "Shh." He grabs my hand from my face and places his own on my cheeks, making me look at him. "Shh. Joey, I'm here. I'm right here and I am not planning on leaving. Please calm down." He strokes my cheeks with his thumbs and my sobs slowly start quieting down. The rate of my tears also slow down and after a good ten minutes, only my heavy breathing is heard.

"I love you, Harry." I cry and hug him with all my might. I hug him so tight, afraid that one day his anxiety and depression might come back twice as hard and he would try to commit again. "I love you so much. Please, don't ever leave me." My tears start pooling out again as I continue holding onto him for dear life. 

"Joey, I promise I will never leave you. Never ever in a million years. I am so glad my mum forced me to come to this school because I met you, and you are literally my light to the darkness within me." I feel his lips press against my forehead and his arms tightening around me. "I love you with all my heart, Joey."

I slowly pull away from the hug and Harry wipes my tears with his thumbs. I rest my hands on Harry's cheeks also and soon we lean in. Our lips meet and instead of the usual peak we do, we instead let our lips move with each other. I don't know what I am doing and I bet Harry doesn't either but I just let my emotions take over my actions. It feels so right to be comforted by his touch like this. The kiss is filled with emotions of love and sadness. When we pull away, I crush him into another hug.

"I'm so glad I let that out." Harry gives a nervous chuckle. "Now there's no more secrets I have and I am glad you know them all." He kisses my forehead again. I suddenly feel really guilty.

"I have secrets that I never told you." I breathe out.

"You don't have to tell me. Not now. Not like this." He says looking down at me. I smile gratefully to him because I don't think I am emotionally ready after hearing his secret.

"Thank you." I squeeze him closer to me. "This is why I love you." I accidentally say my thoughts out loud. But I don't regret it. He blushes and smiles at me before giving me another kiss on my forehead. 

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That was Harry's past for you. Really emotional chapter. 

Joelle's story about her dad is still unknown, but she will say it soooooon. 

Thank you so much for reading, 

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I love you so much xx.

~ May <3