Coming Up For Air

2.9

"So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."
-Green Day, 'Good Riddance'

⚑ Luke ⚐

Luke was just pouring noodles into a pot of boiling water when Ashton entered the kitchen, his hair damp and his feet bare.

"I took a shower. I hope that was okay." He said with his tangy way of talking.

"It's fine. I'm making spaghetti." Luke told him, reading the back of the pasta box.

"I like spaghetti."

"I know.

"It's my favorite."

"You told me." Luke smiled at Ashton, who smiled back.

"Thank you." Ashton was blushing a little as he walked over to where Luke stood by the pot. He looked down into the writhing contents.

"Thank you." Luke said instead of 'You're welcome' as he bumped Ashton with his hip.

"For what?"

"For staying. For making me happy. For being nice. For being you." Luke said the last part quietly, but Ashton heard him and even though Luke was scared to look, when he did he was glad he'd said it because Ashton's smile was 3000 watts of beautiful.

"Of course. You did the same thing for me, kind of. When I was upset in the park. You were there." Ashton's smile turned a little soft as he and Luke looked at each other. They weren't really touching, but somehow their connected eyes managed to be all the contact they needed in that moment.

"Yeah." Luke whispered after four heartbeats full of the sound of pounding rain and boiling water.

They were quiet a while longer, Luke occasionally checking on the pasta and Ashton whisking his hand through the steam because he liked the way it felt against his palm, and it was all very calm and normal and domestic and Luke was suddenly struck with the thought that this could be his life someday, maybe. Ashton and him in a shitty flat making out and making pasta and that kind of sounded like heaven to him, to be honest.

"I never asked you why." Luke blurted without meaning to, the sound of life distracting him from keeping his mouth shut.

"Why what?" Ashton asked absentmindedly, swirling orange juice around the bottom of a water glass like a fine wine that needed air.

"Why you were upset. In the park. You started to cry and I never asked why." Luke decided he might as well voice his thoughts because no good even came from hide and seek.

"Oh." Ashton said, setting his glass down and slumping. "No. You never did ask why."

Luke waited for him to elaborate.

He didn't.

"Well? Will you tell me?" He said finally, putting the lid on the pasta that needed about three more minutes.

"Yeah." Ashton sounded a little dead, but he seemed to be steeling himself. "I will."

"Okay."

Ashton breathed for a minute, but then set his jaw and opened his mouth.

"It was just...okay. This will probably sound really lame to you, because you're really fucking strong and brave and forgiving and kind of perfect--,"

"I'm not--"

"You are." Ashton told Luke seriously. "Really, you are. But I'm not, Luke, and I know that you have way worse family issues than me. I do, I know that. Okay?"

"Ash, it's not a competition to see who's got the shittier family." Luke said gently, grabbing Ashton's hand and squeezing for a second. "You're allowed to be upset. I'm not going to judge you."

Ashton nodded. He took a deep breath. He began.

"So my dad left when I was seven. And that was fine, but we had to move in with my grandparents because we didn't have any money. And that was fine too. They were really good to us--they made sure that my brother and sister and I had a good life and that we were happy, and they looked after us when my mum was at work. And that was fine. It was good. It was...it was good."

"Okay." Luke quietly prompted after Ashton had been silent for a minute. "But...?"

Ashton looked to Luke as if he might be sick.

"I lied to you. That morning. When I told you I'd never wanted to kiss a boy before. That was a lie and I'm sorry but I've kind of been lying to myself too if that makes it any more okay and just let me explain and please, please, please don't hate me." Ashton was tripping over the words and Luke was wondering what Ashton could have possibly done that was so terrible that he looked on the edge of tears.

Luke waited, never taking his eyes off of Ashton's panic-filled ones.

"I have--I did--I wanted to kiss a boy before, Luke. I did. I'm sorry I did I lied but I was scared I'm still scared and it's bad to want to--to like--to--,"

"Breathe, Ash. I'm not mad." Luke said softly, rubbing his thumb over the inside of Ashton's palm.

Ashton took a shaky breath and closed his eyes for a moment before continuing.

"There was this boy. This boy named Elias. He went to my church and when I was about fifteen I started to hang out with him a bit and I got kind of a crush on him and I didn't really know what to do about it so I told him. I told him. And he told my grandma." Ashton wasn't meeting Luke's eyes, but Luke didn't care. He just held Ashton's hand and concentrated on keeping him talking.

"My grandma's very, very religious, Luke. She wasn't--she doesn't--liking boys is a sin, Luke. You know that? It's bad. It's bad. And she was so--so angry with me. God, Luke, she was livid. She sent me to this...church-camp thing over here in London that was supposed to fix me, and I thought it did because I didn't really like boys anymore. I didn't really like anybody anymore." Ashton sounded shattered.

"Okay." Luke said quietly. He wanted to hold Ashton, but he didn't know if that would be okay, so he stayed still.

"And then I met you." Ashton said, sounding a little broken. "And I do like you. But if anybody finds out--if she finds out--she'll stop paying for my college and I won't have anywhere to live and my family will hate me and that's...I just--I can't have that but--but--you're just--you make everything hard because you're perfect and God, I want you like I've never wanted anything in my life, Luke--,"

Luke couldn't take it anymore and he pulled Ashton into his arms, murmuring 'okay' and 'breathe' and 'it'll be okay' into his hair and they just breathed each other in for a while, just clung to each other for a while, just held on to whatever they were for a little while.

After about 136 seconds they pulled away. Ashton wasn't crying, and though he felt like he might, Luke was all drained of tears from earlier that day so he couldn't cry either.

"It's going to work out okay, Ash." Luke promised and Ashton nodded, smiling a little and reaching up to trace Luke's cheekbone.

"It's just scary, Luke. Because I can't not be around you, now that I know you exist. It's scary." Ashton said, and Luke nodded a little, feeling very solemn.
Then something hit him in the stomach and he gasped for air as he remembered something he couldn't believe he'd forgotten.

"Where's Calum?"

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