Chapter 25

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It was a week or so after the whole incident, on the 25th of February, when I sat at the dining table, staring out of the window at the rain falling against the pane of glass. It was almost midnight and I zoned out unintentionally and stared at the drops sliding downwards, mind preoccupied.

It was on this day, a few hours ago and 2 years prior when my mom had gotten into a car accident and died the same night.

I snapped myself out of reverie and looked forward, where Cole was looking at me with concern. He sat in the chair opposite to me, finishing up school work with my own books sprawled across the table, and had his beautiful face scrunched up in a worried expression. Those navy blue eyes penetrated my soul and saw everything inside me, the good and the bad.

He reached out and placed a hand on my right one which rested on the table, intertwining our fingers and squeezing my hand reassuringly. I smiled softly at the large hand that engulfed mine and looked up at him and met his eyes. 

At that moment I heard a key turn in the door, and heavy footsteps that trailed and made loud sounds. I frowned when I heard something falling on the floor with a dull thud, and before Cole or I could investigate it, a very drunk Matt stumbled through the archway separating a section of the living room.

He stumbled a little and swayed, red rimmed eyes filled with thousands of emotions clear enough to see now that he was intoxicated.

There was a tense silence as Matt grinned, but in a mean way.

"Oh look, its my slutty sister and my deceiving best friend. What a pair you make."

Cole immediately tensed, but I placed a hand on his and looked at Matt. I stood up and reached for him.

"Matt, look, this isn't you, I know what you're going through right now-"

"Going through?" He laughed and looked at me with disdain that broke my heart. "You have no idea. It was all your fucking fault."

I flinched at his words and tried again. "Matt, please-"

"No, you don't get to talk. You killed her, you heartless bitch, you killed mom and I'm never going to forgive you." He shouted out and raised his hand as if he was going to hit me. I flinched but before he could, Cole was there in a flash, snatching the bottle away from Matt's hand as I tried not to let my tears flow out.

"Get away from her." Cole muttered quietly and Matt laughed at him. I pulled Cole back and faced Matt.

"Oh, I see how it is. You've switched sides now?"

Before Cole could say anything I stepped forward and slapped my brother, who looked shocked. The silence in the room was deafening.

"I know I killed her. I know that. Do you think I don't think about it every day? Do you think I don't want to kill myself for all the pain? You think I can live with myself with something like  that?" I screamed at him in anger.

Matt's eyes flashed as tears streamed down my face. "At least I didn't run away. I didn't run away from my mistakes or my past and the people I love! I'm not the coward, you are! I know I'm responsive for her death, but you really just put the cherry on top by leaving us behind like we were nothing to you!"

My voice cracked as a moment of silence overtook us. I pushed Matt away and ran up the stairs, locking my door as I entered my room. I collapsed against the door itself, curling my body into a ball and crying for all the pain I was in, the pain I had created.

"Mom, wait, relax, don't drive so -"

"Honey, I beat your father's ass at this, racing is my shit." I laughed at her and the language she was using. Rhyson popped his head from between the seats and fist-bumped her.

We both screamed and he covered his years as tiny dancer came on the radio and we started to sing out the lyrics. The rain fell in blankets around us as we enjoyed ourselves.

I had to bend down and hold my stomach because of the cramps I was getting from laughing and looked up at my mother as she scrunched up her face and belted out the lyrics.

Her happy, singing face was the last thing I saw before a sudden loud crash erased everything I knew.

I cried even harder and tried to block out the memories. Sobs racked my body and I heard, as if it was far away, the sound of shouting and things being broken.

I don't know how long I stayed there crying when I felt strong hands pick me up and envelop me.

My tears soaked Cole's shirt as I tried to be as close to him as possible.

"It hurts so much. Take the pain away I can't bear it, please." I said in between sobs and tried to stop the tears. But I couldn't stop them because the pain was just neverending.

"Shhhh, Brooke, I'm right here, just stay with me," Cole whispered and I sobbed harder. The pain, the guilt, the memories flashed through me as I let out every ounce of hurt in me.

"I want to take your pain away, Brooke, I hate that I can't." His broken whisper made my tears recede a little as I calmed down in his arms.

"She had come to pick me up from work when she died," I whispered after a minute of silence, closing my eyes and trying not to scream in pain as I thought of her beautiful smiling face.

"You don't have to -"

"But I want to." I quieted him and traced circles on his chest, staring at the things in my room in a zoned-out way.

So I told him. I told him about how she had been driving fast in the rain, how we had been heading to Rhyson's house to pick him up on the way for dinner when we had been hit by a truck that hadn't seen us coming because of the rain. I had woken up in a hospital bed with no one by my side because Matt and Dad were arranging my mother's funeral.

I told him about how Matt had left immediately after the funeral and I hadn't even said goodbye to him. I told him about how much like hell those months after she was gone were. Dad became almost robotic in everything he did, and I had once had to stop him from tying a rope to the ceiling fan and hanging himself when he was drunk.

His pleas to die, his pleas to be where my mother would haunt me forever. Rhyson and I had spent so many hours at the cemetery talking to her. He blamed himself as I did, and she been the mother he never had ever since we were in kindergarten.

Rhyson had moved away, too, because his family situation was already so bad and the pain of my mother dying had been the trigger he needed. I was left all alone for two years, and I don't know how I would've gotten through those years were it not for Amanda and April. Sometimes dad, too, but mostly he greaved in his own way, all alone and distracting himself with his work.

My quiet little hiccups were soon the only sound in the room as Cole held me tight across his lap. He picked me up and took me to the bed and we laid down together as he whispered things in my ear. He told me it wasn't my fault and never will be. He told me he wishes he could've met my mother. He told me that I'm so strong, brave, and courageous.

I fell into a deep dreamless sleep, exhausted from the crying, with the sound of Cole's whispers of how much he loved me being the last thing I heard.

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