All It Seems

Part 26: The Root of all Problems

I could feel the shift in my chest pressing down on my lungs as I took a deep breath after deep breath trying to not become overwhelmed again.

"It's just been a lot," I muttered, blinking against the glare of the day that was starting to give me a headache.

"Would you like to tell me about it? She asked kindly.

"Not really," there was nothing wrong with being honest and if there was any teacher I was going to be honest to it was her.

We continued in silence for a little while longer though we weren't even half way back to the room yet.

"It's not worth it Alex," she said and I turned to see her staring off into the distance.

"What isn't?" I asked in confusion.

"All of this, the stress of scores and exams and trying to impress people. At the end of the day it's a number and trust me a week after you find out that number you'll forget it. No one will ever ask you when applying for a job 'what did you get on your third text for mathematical methods'. It'll never happen, so don't let it get to you,"

I actually believed her. If anyone else had've told me, I might not have taken it seriously but I liked Miss Klean and she seemed pretty down to earth though she'd never taught me.

"Alex!" We'd wandered into a main building now on our longest possible route to the classroom.

We both turned in search of the owner of the voice and Isaac came running up behind us.
My heart fluttered as I saw his beautiful face filled with concern and soon I was enveloped in his arms.

"What happened? I got a text from Lys saying you ran out of class; are you okay?" He pulled back and cupped my face to search for any sign of damage.

"I'll leave you to walk her back to class," smiles Miss Klean and she walked off but not before gently touching my arm and nodding as though to reaffirm her previous speech.

"I'm fine, I just got a little worked up and felt sick so I went to the bathrooms." I muttered without looking in his eyes. He knew me so well, he was so kind and so caring he'd never say nor do anything to make me feel worse.

"Look at me," he coaxed, trying to get my eyes to focus on his rather than glancing at his face then away and back again. "It's gonna be okay,"

"I know,"

"Stay at my place tonight; we can have a movie and popcorn evening. I'll order pizza!" He rubbed soft circle on my shoulder blades that slowly eased some of the tension from my back.

"Okay," I nodded and buried my face on his chest all the while breathing him in and calming myself down. "I need to get back to class,"

We said our goodbyes and I walked at a faster pace back to the classroom where I snuck in with a small nod to our teacher and sat back down in my seat. I ignored the eyes flitting my
way and took my seat next to Dan.

"You best Alyssa," she murmured under his breath.

"Yeah but that's not hard and she knows it," I whispered back summoning up all my left over courage and feeling the bile return to my throat as I picked up my paper and flipped it over with my eyes squeezed shut.

My head started to spin again as I prepared myself to see my score. Why was I so nervous? Like Miss Klean had said, it's not worth the big deal.

I shot out all the breath I was holding as I read 87% on the top right corner of the page I'm red pen.

No need to worry. So do I worry?

XXXX

It's not like I wanted things to be tense between Isaac and I. They already were since we'd broken up but now that he'd said he'd try to find a new place things between us were constantly on edge - and it was doing nothing for my anxiety.

I had a pit in my stomach every time I saw him and when he was out of my mind Dan and Lucy were in it which made me feel guilty about lying to Lys. It was just an endless vicious cycle and I was worried that if I wasn't careful I'd end up with a stomach ulcer.

Tonight was the Sunday Lys and I were going to go out and I was currently staring at my wardrobe trying to figure out what to wear. I'd narrowed it down to a low back sparkly black dress and my red dress I'd worn on my latest date with Isaac.

I packed both into an overnight bag along with my makeup and set it on my shoulder with a huff.

I felt light headed, like I couldn't breathe. I sat down for a moment to collect myself and take deep breaths. I was tired from being stressed, tired from holding on to all these secrets that I had no knowledge of four months ago.

"Alex?" Came Isaac's voice from the doorway and for a moment I was filled with a sense of nostalgia. A memory stirred in my mind of this exact setting,

'Alex?' came Isaac's voice from the doorway of my bedroom. The sun was slowly setting and casting shadows along my bed and onto the walls.

'Yeah?' I responded dryly, not really taking notice of what was going on.

'You didn't text me, I was getting worried,' he whispered as the bed dipped beside me.

'Didn't I, oh, I'm sorry,' I said softly, my eyes not moving from the small coffee stain on my white bedspread.

There was silence between us for a while and I knew that he wanted to ask what had happened but I couldn't bring myself to say it. The hollowness in my chest that dad had left was starting to consume me and I could feel it eating away at my soul.

He knelt down in front of me, his hands gently tracing circles on my knees. He brought his hand up to my chin to turn my face to look at him. He was concerned. I would be too.

He leaned in and ever so softly pressed his lips to mine.

"Yeah?" I asked, raising my brows in question at him.

"You alright?" he tilted his head to the side and stared at me with soft eyes.

"Yeah, of course," I mumbled, pulling the zipper on my bag. I avoided his eyes carefully as I preoccupied myself with my shoes laces.

"Hey," he coaxed, his voice as gentle as his hand on my cheek. He pulled my chin up to look into his eyes.

As 'over' as we were, there in that moment, there was the slightest feeling of longing I had for him and in a space of lost control I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

We moved in silence, not realising what was going on as the familiarity overwhelmed us. The nagging in the back of my mind that questioned what the hell I was doing grew louder and louder.

I pulled away with a start.

"Oh god," I breathed staring up at his face. His cheeks were slightly flushed as he looked down at me pleasantly surprised

I stood quickly and marched towards the bedroom door, pulling it open with force and making my way to the front door in a slight daze. The drive was a blur as I replayed the whole event in my mind.

How I made it to Alyssa's alive I'm not entirely sure and I thought about how many reds I'd potentially run as I sat in the car.

What the hell did I just do?