Shutter Speed

Day 1,338

"Some days I wish I could go back in life, not to change things, just to feel a few things twice." ~Unknown

Day 1,338

I've had a lot of interviews over the last few years. Most I don't remember. Some I regret things I've said or how I've come off. Nearly all of them get forgotten at some point or another. But there's one interview I can't forget. No matter how hard I try. I was on a daytime talk show promoting new music and my tour and I spent the entire show biting my tongue. I – for some reason unbeknownst to me – was voted one of the "most beautiful women alive" by a well-known magazine and had to do a photo shoot for their special issue. That was the first time the black ink on my collarbone was seen by the public.

Mahalia Russell – the talk show host – pulled up the picture and drew attention to the ink on my skin. She asked about what it said and if the photo had been altered because the tattoo seemed distorted. I shook my head and forced a tiny grin, shifting in my seat. My back stiffened and I swallowed hard, wondering if it was visible how uncomfortable I was. "The tattoo is written backwards," I explained. "So I can read it whenever I look in a mirror." She asked what it said and I told her, "Enough. It says 'enough.'" She attempted to pry at it's meaning, but I dodged every comment and changed the subject several times.

The meaning doesn't matter to the general public. It doesn't matter to Mahalia or my fans. The tattoo is for me and that's all that matters. Especially at that time. I've blocked out the rest of my memory of that interview. Nothing against Mahalia, I just didn't want to remember it anymore. Although I've managed to repress the bulk of the interview, I can't get her asking about the tattoo out of my head. I never could.

I suffered through the entire day without Ellie by my side. I never liked those days – the days I didn't have her. At that point, I wanted to spend every second of my existence with her. I was too scared to leave her alone. I was too terrified that I would leave her and she wouldn't be there to come back to. That day when I came home, she was in a great mood. She felt amazing and seemed to be her bubbly, energetic self. I held her as I glided through the door of the quaint home, refusing to let go.

I wish I'd held her even longer. I wish I had never let go.

After I finally releasing her from my grasp, Ellie asked about the interview and, naturally, I told her everything. She chuckled at my response to the questions about the tattoo beneath my collarbone. "You've seen the theories, right?" She asked with a smile. "They all have their own ideas of what it means since the photo was released last week."

I brushed past her, lightly pressing my lips to her cheek as I glided by, and whispered into her ear, "Well it's not for them, now is it?" It's for Ellie. Everything was always for Ellie. But that's obvious. She was the star my world revolved around. For four years, she was the reason I got up every single morning. She was the light in an endless darkness.

I've heard someone say before that one person should not be your reason to wake up in the morning. I understand that, but when it came to Ellie, I ignored it. There are plenty of people who do need to survive and thrive on their own. There are a plethora of individuals who need to learn to love themselves before they become capable of loving someone else. I am not one of them.

Ellie didn't enter my life when I was at a low and become the only reason I had for going on. I had my own strength and reasons for getting through every day. It was never a situation where I felt as though if I lost her, then I'd want to leave this world behind as she had left me. Clearly, if that were the case I would already be gone.

No, Ellie was different. My feelings for her were different. She wasn't my life source, but she was like coming home after a long trip. She was like curling up in a blanket during a snowstorm. She was the feeling you get when your boss gives you a spontaneous day off. She was finding extra cash in your pocket when you do laundry. Ellie was never a necessity, but she made every day infinitely better.

She made me better.

She didn't cure any illness or bad habit I had. She didn't solve world hunger or discover the meaning of life. In the grand scheme of things, Ellie seemed completely insignificant to the world. She wasn't a miracle to most people. But she changed my life for the better the very first moment I met her and every moment she spent in my life afterwards. She didn't make pain disappear, but she made it a lot more bearable. She made a crisis feel like a minor inconvenience.

Ellie's smile always brightened my day. That day the interview drained me, I needed her to never stop smiling. When we went to bed that night, I was the one laying in her arms – a change from our usual routine. She played with my hair and we spent the whole night just talking.

At some point late in the night, I lifted my head so my eyes could properly lock with hers. Her small smile made most of my fears and concerns melt away in that moment. I wish they had made them all disappear. She lifted her pale hand and gently brushed a strand of my dark hair behind my ear while we stared at one another for a moment. I could tell she knew I had something to say.

I let the silence settle between us. My attention focused on her breathing – soft and shallow. I wonder what she was thinking that night. "I'm worried," I spat out. My voice was rough and low, barely an excuse of a voice at all.

"About?" She smiled, but concern showed on her face.

My mouth dried and I swallowed lightly, searching for the ability to speak again. "Not being enough," I muttered.

Ellie sat up, causing me to mirror her movements in return. She ran a hand through my hair slowly and gently grabbed hold of my chin, her eyes shifting back and forth between mine. For once, she wasn't searching for anything within my stare. "The standards you set for yourself are far too high." She shook her head lightly, stealing all the air from my lungs. "And yet you are completely unaware that you have surpassed being just enough."

There was another silence between us, but words would never be enough to explain to her how I felt in any moment. I pressed my lips to hers and kissed her, slowly and deeply. I put everything I had in her and never once looked back. There was never a moment where I second-guessed the choices I had made for her. Never a time when I played what-if scenarios through my mind.

Ellie changed everything the moment I met her. Yet, I was really the one that changed. I changed everything. I felt myself grow and mature whenever I was around her. She brought out the absolute best in me. I dropped everything the moment she needed anything. She never even asked me to, but I always changed my plans for her. I wanted her to know what she meant to me. From day one. 

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Chapter song: "When You Fall in Love" by Andrew Ripp

Until next time, 
Aiden (: